Fresh out of college, with grades straight from Hell
I browsed for a trade at which I could excel
An ad for a ship in need of some manning
Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain

What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!
A few white lies later, I ran down the pier
Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two
Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew:

{Chorus}
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!

I can’t sing the shanties, it has to be said
And all of that grog just goes right to my head
Whale meat is gross and I miss a girl’s laugh
Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!

{Chorus}
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!
We’ve hit icy waters, no land to be seen
The food’s getting low and the beer has gone green
There’s murmurs of discontent under the deck
If I don’t act fast, it could be my neck!

So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines
I see what it says but no clue what it means!
Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains
Feign a bad back 'til we’ve landed again

{Chorus}
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!

Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! (BLOODY HELL!)
Turn hard to port! (This is SHERRY!) Now I've got it! (Screaming)
Trust me, I'm in control! (MUMMY!)
Trust me, I'm in control!