[Verse 1]
I once met a man who said he was a fan
He wanted to sing in my shanty band
But the bottom of his face looked weird (SO WEIRD!)
There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared
From his crown to ear he was most sincere
But you can't sing shanties if you got no beard!

[Chorus]
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!

[Verse 2]
I once met a girl who heard sea songs
She came to the show and she sung along
But her timing with the shout was slow (SO SLOW!)
She was graced with a face like the morning glow
But a holler was a blow from the very front row said:
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'HO'!

[Chorus]
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!'
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!'
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
And you've got no beard!
[Verse 3]
I once met a guy on a weird machine
Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen
He was shouting from a pad of notes (NO NOTES!)
And the wheels got caught on his overcoat
And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat
So: you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat

[Chorus]
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
And you can't shout: 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

[Verse 4]
I once met a bloke on a tavern floor
He'd had ten beers but I had ten more
And his piggy little face was pink, (SO PINK!)
He tried to shout the words but t'were all out of sync
With a voice so bad it'll make you think that:
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink

[Chorus]
Can't hold your drink, you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
You can't hold a drink you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
And you don't own a boat, and you can't shout: 'ho!'
And you've got no beard!
[Verse 5]
I once met a sailor all big and broad
With an eye-patch, parrot, and a long curved sword
Had a chest like a powder keg (BIG CHEST)
But he had both shoes and he smelled like eggs
I expect he would look better with a wooden peg
'cause you can't sing shanties if you got two legs

[Chorus]
Got two legs, you've got two legs
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs
Got two legs, you've got two legs
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs
And you can't hold your drink, and you don't own a boat
And you can't shout 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

[Bridge]
Well: Anna's got no beard
And Dave: he has a bike
Robbie's father-in-law has boats but won't sing on the mic
And JD can't shout HO because his wife takes much offense
And Andy's got two beautiful hairy legs
But there's no reason good enough not to join us
So sing along with the very last chorus!

[Chorus]
TWO-THREE-FOUR
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard
And you've got two legs, and you can't hold your drink
And you don't own a boat, and you can't shout 'ho!'
And you've got no beard!