[Verse 1]
I got dumped by Jake Gyllenhaal last year
So I bought this hipster voodoo doll with a beard
I'm stabbing him right in his Gyllen balls
Still, he won't return my calls (Why?)
I'm calling just to say that I moved on with my life
This will be the last time that I call tonight
So you mind if I sleep on your lawn
I say, "I love you, we hate him the precious, Smeagol"

[Pre-Chorus]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
One side of me gets the hint, but
Pph-pph-pph-pph-pph
This side is ogidy, ogidy, ogidy

[Chorus]
We were never ever ever actually together
Sweetie remember member member
Smoking crack together

We ate chalk
And did bath salts
And had sex with a tree
Um We have never ever done any of that together
Like, we sort of did. My stuffed animals totally remember it
Yeah, I remember that
Me too

I swallowed a whole bottle of these pills
Flintstones
These voices in my head feel like a drill
Gollum
He's telling me that we have to kill
Your mom, but I can't seem to trigger this bomb. Darn
[Mom]
MMMMMMMMM
I can't hear you through the gag
Ohhhhhh looks like, I just needed new batteries
[Jake]
She can never ever ever be put back together
[Taylor]
Now he will never ever ever give me back my sweater
I've moved on and soon I'm gonna be a Kennedy Yippee!

Their family curse gets worse and worse with every century
They got shot, his plane got lost
And this ones dating me
If he ever dumped me ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER
He will be dismembered
My precious