[Spoken Intro]
The following song takes place between now and two minutes from now
Events occur in real time

[Chorus]
I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit)
A heterosexual man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit)

Some say he's a rebel
Some say he's insane
If you question his methods he'll say
'I don't have time to explain'
He's been tortured, beaten, killed
And then brought back to life
He sometimes has to shoot his friends
And Nina killed his wife, (Dammit)
He sacrificed himself
So we can be free
You never see him eat
And he never needs to pee
He's a likeable fella
And mostly a good guy
But sometimes he has to say things like
'When your daughter is infected
I'm gonna make you watch her die'
[Chorus]
I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit)
I sometimes think about him in the shower, (Tell me where the device is)
I'm not saying that I'm gay no
That's not my confession
It's just a heterosexual man-crush
Bordering on obsession, (What are you talking about?)

Jack has one long crappy day
Every single year
You'd think by now he'd be insane
Or start a new career
He saves us from disaster
Twenty-four times a day
Why would CTU ever question
Anything he has to say?
He's killed a lot of people
To save the human race
If it'd help him get a lead
He'd kick a puppy in the face
And he set my heart a flutter
When I heard him say
'You may think I can't force this towel down your throat
But trust me I can, all the way'

[Chorus]
I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit)
He get's so much done in an hour, (Who are you?)
I've never had such confusing feelings for another man
But they're only for Jack Bauer, not Keifer Sutherland
(Trust me, you don't want to go down this road with me)
Oh Jack Bauer, yes I do