[Verse 1]
If you wanna know
How to get laid
It's really pretty easy
Sit down and write a love song
And make sure that it's cheesy
I didn't score with all these stars
By sitting 'round and hopin'
I've got this magical guitar
That makes their legs fly open
Natalie Portman and Taylor Swift
I've been there and done that
Did Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Jessica Simpson
Before they both got fat
Nailed Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
Before they went to jail
Gonna give my banana, to Hannah Montana
And Megan Fox as well

[Hook]
I tell the ladies exactly what they want to hear
I whisper that bullshit right into their ear, yeah
I emasculate myself but I put it into a song
Now watch me play this guitar solo, with my dong

[Verse 2]
Damn girl you look sexy in those funky old sweatpants
When I make my guitar face it puts you in a trance
Looking at pictures from your trip is always so much fun
Please tell me the long story behind every single one
I want you to know, I love you so, and I'm not like other guys
Your body is so wonderful, it makes my penis cry
I'll make you a film called Dirty Dancing and Sensibility
By the way would you like to see some of my stand-up comedy
[Spoken]
How's everybody doing tonight?
I don't know about you but I masturbate about fifty times a day
This guy right here knows what I'm talking about
Am I right, Am I right?
Wait girl come back, I'll stop I swear
[Hook]
You can't resist me when I sing and play right up in your face
Please let me put my SUV into your parking space
My super love powers leave every woman wanting more
I've banged every girl in Hollywood, now I'm just bored

[Outro]
Now I'm just bored
So I just watch porn