[Verse 1: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
I crashed my Buick
I did not mean to do it
But that sunset was too lit
Had to look right into it
Shades would be sweeter
But my fingers are cheaper
Since I broke up with Bieber
My songs have gotten weirder

[Pre-Chorus: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
I've had this face
Since I was five (months), ah
I'm Lana Del Rey
Except pint-sized, ah

[Chorus: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
I'm feelin' peckish, what's for lunch?
This shard of glass is a good light snack
When you're hot you don't have to chew
I tied my tongue up like a shoe
Here's my impression of a mop
My favourite look is sexy drowned rat
I'm not allowed to eat real food
So Windex is my favorite juice
This stuff is edible enough
[Verse 2: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
I'm lovin' this lipstick
It's carb-free and delicious
You think that I'm singing
But it's just horny whispering
No-one will help me
Put away all these groceries
Does the lettuce go into the toilet or right on my body?

[Pre-Chorus: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
It rains inside
At dinner time, ah
My plumber might
Need to be fired, ah

[Chorus: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez]
Is this a fetish or just dumb?
I've got the world's most f'ed up spice rack
I should look up what fetish means
But I ate the dictionary
I bought this thing to curl my tongue
It's not working, I should take it back
What other dumb shit can I do?
Maybe I'll whip up some bleach stew
I put a radish in my butt
[Verse 3: Mark Douglas as Gucci Mane]
You're here, thank God! Can we please talk?
Selena locked me up like Jigsaw
Been stuck in here since half past three
Can someone turn off the AC?
Why'd I bother gettin' thinner?
Now I'm gonna die like a TV dinner
Some college kid will write a thesis
On the meaning of all these peaches
Girl, you promised that you'd let me hit it
But now both of my balls are frostbitten
Hold up though
I just found all this peach froyo
I guess this isn't so tragic, yolo

[Chorus: Tatiana Owens as Selena Gomez & Mark Douglas]
I can't digest all of this stuff (what the hell?)
The owner of the house just came back (my kitchen!)
Excuse me, who the hell are you?
Why did you eat my favorite shoes?
I got a fetish for your Uggs