[Verse 1]
We just met, but I know you're my soul mate
I've got your name tattooed on my chest, neck, and face
Lets get hitched right away or at least pick a date
I've got next week open, when do you have open?

[Pre-Chorus]
I sent you my left ear but you tossed it off the pier
Then said something I couldn't hear, what?
Gave you all my string and my fingernail clippings
I hope I don't sound deranged, but I'd...

[Chorus]
Chop off my head for you
I just went off my meds for you
I'd drink a bottle of crazy glue
And lick a bathroom attendant's shoe
Oh, that's good shoe

I would peel you a million grapes
And make a portrait using audiotapes
Yes, I'll protect you from robots
And futuristic apes

Oh, get your damn stinking paws off my girlfriend, you dirty ape from the future
[Verse 2]
Calm down, you crazy clown, what is wrong with you?
Stop offering things that you'll never have to do
Just take your pills, pay your bills, I don't want you dead
Why would I want a boyfriend who doesn't have a head?

[Pre-Chorus]
I'd eat a pile of glass, pull my heart out through my ass
You know what you could do for me? What, baby?
The dishes and the trash, let's take that tango class
Then watch Lifetime TV

[Chorus]
I'll shop at Target with you
Buy you tickets to Dave Matthews
I'd go to brunch with your book club friends
I'll tell you that you're not fat again
This nightmare ever ends
I would rather eat fifty grenades
And wear a Speedo made of razor blades
Then have to deal with you, baby
And your stupid mom