[THE SQUIP, spoken]
You see, human social activity is governed by rules. And I have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them on to you
(sung)
C-c-c-c-c-cmon, Jeremy, can't you see?
Your operating system is outdated
Come on, boo, you know that you
Make everyone around you nauseated
Hey, I've arrived now, this is not a drill
Bae, I've arrived, wow!
Won't be long until
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill
[JEREMY, faintly]
Wow
[THE SQUIP]
Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest
[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, but I am a masturbator
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
We'll fix that
(sung)
All your nerdiness is ugly
[JEREMY, spoken]
I thought I was more of a geek?
[THE SQUIP]
All your stammering's a chore
[JEREMY, spoken]
Wha-stammer- no, I don't stammer, you know what I—
[THE SQUIP]
Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more
[THE SQUIP]
Bu—
[JEREMY]
Ah—
[THE SQUIP]
Buh
[JEREMY]
Oh—
[THE SQUIP]
No
[JEREMY]
Ah?
[THE SQUIP]
Stop
[JEREMY]
Oh!
[THE SQUIP]
Oh, everything about you is so terrible
[JEREMY]
...terrible?
[THE SQUIP]
Terrible!
[JEREMY]
Oh...
[The SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die
[JEREMY]
(heavy breathing)
[THE SQUIP]
So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill
(spoken)
Now, the first thing you need to change is your shirt. Buy that one!
[JEREMY, spoken]
It says Eminem...
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
If you’re so astute, what do you need me for?
[JEREMY, spoken]
Do people still listen to Eminem?
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well
(sung)
Oh, everything about you is so terrible
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!
[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!
[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
All the people in the mall
[THE SQUIP]
Think you are such a slob
[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!
[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
And boy
[THE SQUIP]
Can I see why!
(spoken)
Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt
[CHLOE, spoken]
...Jerry?
[JEREMY, spoken]
Jerry-me
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Greet the beta
[JEREMY, spoken]
The be- oh. Hi, Brooke
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"You look sexy."
[JEREMY, spoken]
I can't say that to a hot girl! Aaah!
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death
[JEREMY, spoken]
Looking... pretty... sexy, Broo-ke!
[BROOKE, spoken]
Thanks
[CHLOE, spoken]
Is that a girl's shirt?
[JEREMY, spoken]
No
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"Yes."
[JEREMY, spoken]
Yes
[THE SQUIP, spoken & JEREMY, overlapping]
Repeat after me:
(sung)
I saw it in the window
I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss
And I couldn't dismiss
I was dating a girl
I was dating a girl
And she had a shirt just like this
And she had a shirt just like this, haha!
[THE SQUIP]
It's still painful
[JEREMY]
It's still painful
[CHLOE, spoken]
So, who was this mystery girl?
[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, you've probably never heard of-
[THE SQUIP]
Madeline
[JEREMY]
Madeline
[CHLOE, spoken]
What?
[JEREMY]
She's French
[CHLOE, spoken]
She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!
[BROOKE, spoken]
Madeline broke up with you?
[JEREMY, spoken]
Yeah
[THE SQUIP, spoken]
No
[JEREMY, spoken]
I mean—
[THE SQUIP]
I broke up with her
[JEREMY]
I broke up with her!
[THE SQUIP]
'Cause she was
Cheating on me
[JEREMY, overselling it]
She was
Cheating on me-e-e-eeee!
[THE SQUIP]
Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill
(spoken)
Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept
