If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You would use a falling star to dot the "i"
In "I love you", that is what you'd do
You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
These are the things that you would do for me

Because I need you like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen, like a flower needs a bee
And if you really cared for me
You'd let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath, I shouldn't even have to ask
Perhaps you'd even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true
Ba doo doo

We go together like toast and pate
Like racism and ignorance, like Jews and Hogmanay
But if you really want to show you care
You'd let me wear your underwear
When we visit your mom; it's a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with some lace between my buns
There's no reason for a big to-do
If your love for one another is true
Ba doo doo
We go together like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and kiddie porn, like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
You'd purchase forty cockatoos
And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love's all about

Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese
No one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
You'll sing me passages from the Koran wearing nothing but a Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of 'Waltzing Matilda'
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and Bob the fucking Builder

(piano solo)

Because I need you like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas, like a nun needs cock
And if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn't go through childbirth
You'd agree to adopt so that you could stay thin
We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin
And communists don't make as much noise
And they're really good at sharing their toys
Because I dig you like an Aussie digs pies
Like Born-Agains dig Jesus, like Jesus dug guys
And if you love me just a modicum
You’d softly rub my perineum
And stick your finger up my bum as I’m about to cum
I’ve heard that it’s quite acceptable and surprisingly fun
Not that I'm saying that I'd want you to
But hypothetically it’s something, it is something you might do
If you loved me unconditionally
Like letting me video you while you wee
Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV