[Verse 1]
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I’ve got people, and a phone
And a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah they rang me up, said "Tim
Will you go on Ruth Jones' show?
They want you to sing a song
It’ll be fine, fine, fine"

[Verse 2]
But the problem with my particular œuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And the wisdom here at the BBC
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
Which causes the viewers untold anguish
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
For pussy puns on 'Are You Being Served?'

[Chorus 1]
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no bums or blasphemy in it
A lovely little song specifically written
For the delicate skin of middle-class Britain
I need a song with a chorus and a verse
With no nasty-ass cussing and a-cursing
I’m a little too lewd and a little too long
Gotta find myself a three-minute song
[Verse 3]
And they said, "Remember boy that music is like love-making
It's simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes
Remember boy that music is like love-making
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit"

[Chorus 2]
"So you need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong
You’ve gotta find yourself a clean-livin' three-minute song"
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute
With nice clean jokes and a hoe-down in it
Something for the telly that never, ever fails
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales

[Bridge]
And even in the bridge
I won’t be lyrically adventurous
Intellectually unmention-ous
Or racially contentious
And I won’t make double entendres
At the expense of the Chinese
For China is a country
That can bring me to my knees
For China, for China, for China, for China
Vagina is a cunt-ry
That will bring us to our knees
(speaking)
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh)
Two, three, fore-skin

[Chorus 3]
I need a little happy-clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough, but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that is only three minutes
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm
Well, if you can’t beat 'em, get conservative with 'em

[Chorus 4]
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense
To flog more tickets to my concerts
By convincing the viewer that musical satire
Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge
You've got a telly and I want to be in it
But apparently you'll only watch for three minutes
Yeah, apparently you'll only watch for three…
(minutes)