Jesus was a Jewish philosopher
Had a lot of nice ideas
About our existential fears
Much admired by his peers
Short and Jewish and quite political
Often hesitant and very analytical

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus

Jesus was a great entertainer
Doing cool tricks all of the time
Turning water into wine
Making stormy weather fine
Even now, his stunts confound us
Kind of did what Derren Brown does

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Jesus

Jesus died but then came back to life
So the Holy Bible said
Kinda like in 'Dawn of the Dead'
Like a film by Simon Pegg
Try that these days, you’d have trouble
Geeks would try to smack you with a shovel
Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen zombie Jesus
Magic Woody Allen zombie Jesus

Jesus ascended into Heaven
He was an incredible guy
You don't often find fellows that fly
Disappear right into the sky
And only once did he use this ability
With great power comes great responsibility

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen zombie superman Jesus
Jesus

Jesus's mother gave birth to him
Without having sex with a dude
No, she would never be that rude
Never even be n*** with a dude
Breeding without the opposite gender is
Commonly known as parthenogenesis
Other animals that don't need males
Include a lot of lizards and various snails

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen zombie superhero komodo dragon Jesus
Jesus
Jesus can communicate with the deceased
Like Psychic Sally, without the earpiece

Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd
But not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood

Jesus is in more than one place at a time
Like an electron, or Schrödinger’s feline

Jesus pulled off that water walking miracle
He was as handy as an amphibious vehicle

Jesus had bare feet, long hair, and a beard
Look I’m not saying I'm Jesus
No!
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I am Jesus

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
(Woody Allen Jesus)
Praise be to magic Woody Allen zombie superhero komodo dragon telepathic vampire quantum hovercraft me Jesus