[MR WORMWOOD]
Somewhere, on a show, I heard
That a picture tells a thousand words
So, telly, if you bothered to take a look
Is the equivalent of, like . . . lots of books!

All I know, I learnt from telly
This big beautiful box of facts
If you know a thing already
Baby, you can switch the channel over just like that

Endless joy and endless laughter
Folks living happily ever after
All you need to make you wise
Is twenty-three minutes plus advertisements

Why would we waste our energy
Turning the pages, one, two, three?
When we can sit comfortably
On our lovely bumferlies
Watching people singing, and talking, and doing stuff?

All I know, I learnt from telly
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man
You can tell from my big telly
Just how clever of a fellow I am!
Take it away, son

(hesitant ukulele notes)

[MR WORMWOOD]
You can't learn that from a stupid book!

All I know, I learnt from telly
What to think and what to buy
I was pretty smart already
But now I'm really, really smart, very very smart

Endless content, endless channels
Endless chat on endless panels
All you need to fill your muffin
Without having to really fink or nuffin

Why would we waste our energy
Trying to work out "ooh"-lysses?
When we can sit happily on our lovely bapperlies
Watching slightly famous people talking to really famous people?

All I know I learnt from telly
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man
You can tell from my big telly
Just how clever of a fellow I am
Who the Dickens is Charles Dickens?
Mary Shelley? Cor, she sounds smelly
Charlotte Bronte? Do not want-y!
Jane Austen? In the compostin'
James Joyce? He doesn't sound noice
Ian McEwan? Ugh, I feel like spewin'
William Shakespeare? Schwilliam Schmakespeare
Moby Dick? (titters) Hey, easy, grandma!

All together, now!
All I know, I learnt from telly!
The bigger the telly, the smarter the man
You can tell from my big telly
What a very clever fellow I am!

All right!
Is it just me or am I amazing?