[Intro]
Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited
Onto Friday night with Wossy isn't wonderfully affirming
And I know I oughta
Appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book
A chap who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the BBC
In hot water
And I don't wanna seem greedy, I'm just saying
I'd like to be here every week if that's okay
And if you'll hear me out, I think I've got a way in which
We could do it pretty easily
You can leave all the boring details to me
It's a brilliant idea, a truly original concept
No one in Britain has ever done anything like it, yeah
Picture this!
Imagine if we had

[Chorus]
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a wicked idea
Why settle for a quartet of queers
When there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-posse here?
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It'll be ace
A hundred percent more pianos
And twenty-five percent more gays
[Verse 1]
I know, I know, I've seen the problem too
There's a rumour I am straight - it's true
It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent
As Wossy himself, or Fiddy Cent
But I've already thought it through
You know there's preachers in America who reckon they can do
Sexuality conversions, I've heard them assert
They can cure a man of trouser love and turn him on to skirt
Well I don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse
And we'd have

[Chorus]
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a revolution
And probably the best solution to the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of homosexuals

[Verse 2]
Yes I know your producers might suspect
That the license paying public will object
To the corporation having yet
Another homosexual to pay
The Daily Mail will bring the big guns out
Jan Moir will be frothing at the mouth
Writing further brilliant stuff about
The myth of being both happy and gay
But all that moral indignation
Will disappear when they see
Those four lovely guys and me
Singing in perfect harmony
And all those angry letter writers
Like 'Disgusted from the Isle of Wight' and
'Mad from Hull' and 'Outraged from Leeds'
And 'Slightly Annoyed from Berwick-on-Tweed'
Will instantly change their tune
They'll be bleeding-heart liberals by Saturday noon
They'll be giving their grandchildren up for adoption
In the hope that a gay married couple will adopt them
They'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars
And cutting holes in the arse of their leather strides
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five
One-two-three-four-

[Chorus]
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It'll be grand
You can never have too many pianos
Or too much man
Five poofs and two pianos
Maybe we can out Jamie Cullum
Make it a trio of pianos
And a big gay half dozen