[HEALER]
I have a degree

[PHIL CONNORS]
That's nice

[HEALER]
In alternative therapy

[PHIL]
Okay

[HEALER]
Took an online course for a week or two

[PHIL]
Maybe we should--

[HEALER]
I think we should begin with a nice bit of Reiki

[PHIL]
Reiki?

[HEALER]
Unblock your Chi
[PHIL]
What's Chi?

[HEALER]
It's doo be doo be tra la la
It's holistic therapy

[PHIL]
What does that mean?

[HEALER]
It's energy
Vibrations and something magnets
And doo-be-diddly-pom-pom-pom
Now piss

[PHIL]
What?

[HEALER]
Piss

[PHIL]
I just--

[HEALER]
Piss into this
[PHIL]
I don't have--

[HEALER]
I'll analyze your isotopes
And something, something, quantum, quantum

[PHIL]
I'm stuck
I'm just--

[NATUROPATH]
I think you're allergic to gluten

[PHIL]
Stuck, I'm
It's like I feel like I'm trapped in a loop
Like I'm unstuck in time

[NATUROPATH]
Well I think cutting out gluten

[PHIL]
I'm...

[NATUROPATH]
Is the smartest solution
[PHIL]
Fine

[NATUROPATH]
That or a diet of soup

[PHIL]
Soup?

[NATUROPATH]
Made of rhino foreskin

[PHIL]
I think I've lost my mind

[NATUROPATH]
How about

[PHIL]
I can't seem to find my way out of

[NATUROPATH]
An enema?

[PHIL]
What?

[NATUROPATH]
Would you like an enema?

[PHIL]
Existentially, I'm --

[NATUROPATH]
Some essential oils

[PHIL]
Essentially, I'm --

[NATUROPATH]
Organic teas

[PHIL]
Who needs enemas with friends like -- ?

[HEALER & NATUROPATH]
I don't even know if I believe what I'm sayin'
This guy is clearly nuts but he is desperate and he's payin'
Statistically he might as well be sittin' home and prayin'
For all the good that I can do
I don't have a frickin' clue what I'm doin'
Though there are things that we just don't know
It doesn't mean you shouldn't give giving an answer a go

[NATUROPATH]
Now open your buttocks a wee bit

[PHIL]
I'm not sure how this will help

[HEALER & NATUROPATH]
Just want to get to the bottom of it

[PHIL]
I'm stuck
I'm just stuck

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
I have a PhD

[PHIL]
Finally

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
In psychiatric pharmacology
I specialize in mental illness --

[PHIL]
Good

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
In cows

[PHIL]
What?

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
Let's treat your depression
With a course of Fluoxitol

[PHIL]
I'm not depressed

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
You're not?

[PHIL]
No!

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
You must be delusional
So take some Acepromazine
And a couple of Clocapromine
And quietly, I'd advise ya
To try this tranquilizer
Although maybe you should just take half

[PHIL]
Okay

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
It says whole ones for cows

[PHIL]
I'm not a --

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
And half for calves

[PHIL]
Right

[HEALER, NATUROPATH & PHARMACOLOGIST]
I don't even know if I believe what I'm sayin'
This guy is clearly nuts but he is desperate and he's payin'
Statistically he might as well be sittin' home and prayin'
For all the good that I can do
I don't have a friggin' clue

[SCIENTOLOGIST]
In my medicine cupboard
There's a bunch of L. Ron Hubbard

[AA GUY]
There are only twelve steps and they shouldn't take long

[NATUROPATH]
We just need a sample of
Your stool and your semen

[PRIEST]
You have Satan within you
We must exorcise your demons

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
Take this pill

[SCIENTOLOGIST]
Read this book

[NATUROPATH]
Eat your vegetables uncooked

[HEALER]
It's your karma

[NATUROPATH]
It's just toxins

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
It's for constipated oxens

[ALL EXPERTS]
Well that ought to loosen you up

[PHIL]
I am stuck
Fuck, okay[PHIL]
One: I'm still sleeping and this I'm just dreaming

And two: it's a prank, and everyone's in on it

Three: it's a flashback from when I was twenty and ate magic mushrooms and thought I was Aquaman
Four: it's some kind of reality show
Five: it's amnesia
Six: it's a stroke

I think I am losing my my..[EXPERTS]
I don't even know if I believe what I'm sayin'
This guy is clearly nuts but he is desperate and he's payin'
Statistically he might as well be sittin' home and prayin'
For all the good that I can do, I don't have a frickin' clue what I'm doin'

Though there are things that we just don't know
It doesn't mean you shouldn't give giving an answer a go
You just have to open your mind[EXPERTS]
That'll be five hundred bucks

[PHIL]
What the f--

[PRIEST]
A check is fine

[PHIL]
Fine

[HEALER]
Karma

[AA GUY]
Toxins

[NATUROPATH]
Enema

[PHARMACOLOGIST]
Oxen

[PRIEST]
Jesus

[SCIENTOLOGIST]
Xenu

[GUS & RALPH]
Alcohol!