[MINCHIN]
Perhaps my greatest fear
Among my many fears vis-à-vis COVID-19
Is that, in the coming years
There will be even more film
And episodic TV
About zombies

I think I'll write a zombie film
Set in Hollywood
In which the writers all get bitten
By a zombie carrying a disease
Which, when you are infected
Manifests in a desire
To write zombie films

I know our job is to hold a mirror up to society
But I've been avoiding mirrors of late, 'cause it's got so goddamn ugly
Remember when Cersei Lannister
Was absurd hyperbole?
But now she seems quite tame
And her naked walk of shame
Being pelted with human poo

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Pelted with human poo
[MINCHIN]
Is just what we daily do
On Twitter

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Daily do on Twitter

[MINCHIN]
I know I sound bitter
But tell me, how do you make great art
When reality has jumped the shark?

[BACKGROUND SINGER]
Who cares?

[MINCHIN]
Let's raise the rafters
It's the 2020 BAFTAs!

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
2020 BAFTAs!

[MINCHIN]
No one's stronger than an artist in a crisis

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Artist in a crisis
[MINCHIN]
Come hell or high water
Pandemic or disorder
We will stand up

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Stand up!

[MINCHIN]
To give each other prizes

If there's no one to applaud me, who am I?

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
No one to applaud him, who is he?

[MINCHIN]
No camera to record these real tears that I cry?

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Real tears that he cries?

[MINCHIN]
Will I just shrivel up and die?

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Die! Die! Die!
[MINCHIN]
If an actor dressed as a tree falls in a forest

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Crash!

[MINCHIN]
And the self-tape doesn't upload

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Oh no!

[MINCHIN]
Does she even exist?

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Does she even exist?

[MINCHIN]
And if Matilda stays closed
Am I still rich?

Welcome, you arty martyrs
To the 2020 BAFTAs
Tell me, who is the designer of your tracksuit?

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Tell me, tell me, who designed your tracksuit?

[MINCHIN]
Let's get through these awards
And get back to our real jobs:
Signing virtuous petitions in our Ugg Boots

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Lovely, lovely Ugg Boots

[MINCHIN]
To all your clever nominees
I hope you're very, very pleased
I'm not bitter that my show wasn't nominated

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
It's got 8.6 on IMDB

[MINCHIN]
I hope you have fun
Remember - whether you lost or won
Doesn't matter

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Doesn't matter

[MINCHIN]
'Cause the planet's almost dead!

All the legends and the laughter
On the 2020 BAFTAs
Gee, it's gonna be a hell of a party!

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Virtually! Virtually a party!

[MINCHIN]
If this song was too ironic
Sarcastic or sardonic
We'd better hand you back
To Richard Ayoade

[BACKGROUND SINGERS]
Richard Ayoade