[Tim Minchin]
Hello, welcome to our show
I'm glad that you could come
We're gonna have a hoot
We're gonna have some fun
Sit back, put your feet up and relax
I hope you've had a drink or three
The more you've drunk, the better we will be

And if you have a mobile phone, please turn it off... thank you
And if you have Tourette's syndrome, just do whatever it is you people do
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos it's only gonna gеt worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna gеt worse from now on
(Bugger, nipples, shit, Mohammed)

Hey my name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
I'm here to start the show off with a bang
Pete Helliar's MC
But when it came to the opening, they turned to me
Cos this is what would happen if Pete sang:

[Pete Helliar]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive
(It was the Bee Gees. You know that?)
[Tim Minchin]
And this year the Melbourne Comedy Festival's turning 21
And if you ask me, I think it's gonna be particularly fun
And if you ever thought you'd like to give money to a starving Afri-cun
Well, tonight's the perfect night to do it
Pick up the phone, you know you won't rue it
There's money in your pocket that you don't need
You don't need another pair of pre-worn jeans
You don't need expensive jewellery
You don't need a new Playstation 3
When there are kids in the world who haven't even got Playstation One (Playstation One)
Millions of kids in starving nations
(Living their lives with no Playstations)
AIDS and war, no vaccinations
(Living their lives with no Playstations)

If all the kids in Africa had broadband and a Playstation 3
Might not solve their problems but by Jove, it would make them happy
It'd surely take their minds of clean water and rice
Getting to shoot donut-eating American teens in their big fat faces
With fuck-off Plasma guns
Happy little Afri-cuns
Happy little Afri-cuns
Happy little Afri-cuns
Happy little Afri-cuns
Hello, welcome to our show
We're glad that you could come, come, come
It's time for a little audience participation
Sing: "I am audience member"
(I am audience member)
Why are you making me sing?
(Why are you making me sing?)
You self-indulgent wanker
(You self-indulgent wanker)
Just bring on that nice Peter Helliar
(Just bring on that nice Peter Helliar)

...fine!

Happy little Afri-cuns
Happy little Afri-cuns