[Intro]
I may not look it but I went to an art school, y'know
And I stole like, eight crates of acrylic before I tripped the alarm
Anywho, what can I do for ya, pal?

[Verse 1]
You look like a fine, upstanding island representative
The kind to understand an enterprise when they're presented with
Access to a wonderland of fine authentic decoratives
Except that there’s just a chance you might detect they’re edited
It’s nothing underhanded, why, it’s simple etiquette
Someone’s gotta lose or else a price is not competitive
I may be discredited but you need some art exhibits
And I’m the only guy upon this island who is selling it
Got a little bit of post-impressionism
Neoclassical, surrealism, art nouveau, oh
But if you hit me with a host of questions
Quizzing, be all asking if it's real? Well, it's hard to know
But it probably is, would I lie to you?
After all we're cousins, I've decided
Ooh, you want a statue? I got a whole load in this old boat
If they don't go then the hull might smash through

[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family
[Verse 2]
You want the Venus De Milo for Nook Miles? Oh please
Think a Donatello's gonna fall out of an oak tree?
Think another barge is gonna barge in, back end of your garden
With a better bargain? There won’t be
Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo
Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs
Can't be picky when you're picking a Picasso
Doesn't even matter when you're painting where your hand goes
Screw your turnips, I can turn a profit taking turns
At taking turners and turning them to takings
Earning paper from discerning patrons
No returns or trade-ins, all these bargains I got for yous
Here's a Lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse
Buy it, you ain’t got all day to peruse
Try it and I’ll make you pay per the view
You haven't got the money for a Manet or Matisse
But I probably got a Monet, you can have it on the cheap
I got Millet by the million, it’s more than I can keep
So you really better buy 'em or I’ll toss 'em in the deep
You bought your Hieronymus Bosch outright?
Gosh, how nice, want advice?
You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis
From the fella at the jetty for a knock-down price
Kandinsky? Can-do-ski!
Got a line on a fine one back in New Leaf
Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts
Here's a Vermeer! Don’t look at the jewellery
All the greatest artists ever known, sailing round your Archipelago
Who needs authentication when there’s a saving?
Owl’s on his way? Then I’d better go
[Interlude]
Hoo, what? Upon close examination of this painting
I have grave news to share with you
This work of art is a fake!
What kind of wretched scoundrel would commit
Such fraudulent forgery to canvas?
Oh, that hurts

[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family

[Verse 3]
Can’t afford all the money I charge?
Forgery? Nah, it’s a loving homage
Felon I’m not, I’m a renaissance fox
Honestly only a little at large
So don’t be frugal, buy that Bruegel, I got Degas for days
Cézanne's in season, sure
That Seurat would look great at your place
'Cause I got a lotta costs to offset
Spent a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set
So any members of the management
Might have a happy little accident if they object
To my entrepreneurial oeuvre
Largely consisting of raiding the Louvre
Taking the paintings and tracing the loot
Then passing the savings directly to you
Often my copies are just so convincing
I'll quite accidentally sell the original
Though letting residents purchase the evidence
Saves me from shredding ‘em, plus they’re the criminal
Say I’m a fake and it hurts
Say I’m just after a way to your purse
Say that to my face? You’ll save on the hearse
You don’t need a wake for a Damien Hirst
So if your podunk little home wants cultural acclaim
There’s just one choice of vendor, friend
And Crazy Redd’s the name
But if you are dissatisfied and someone gets the blame
You can canvas all my customers, they’ll tell ya I was framed
[Outro]
Tom Nook here with an island announcement
An unscrupulous character has been seen lingering at
The back of the island, do not talk to him, alright?
Hey, that's my cue to go but, uh
That eight-foot stone head you ordered?
Yeah, I'll mail it to ya, how big's your mailbox?