[Intro, spoken]
This is a song about soft drinks, and nothing else
Get your mind out of the gutter

[Verse 1]
Hey guys, are your lips dry?
Any desiccated ladies trying to get by?
I know the best way for the girls and the boys to
Come together and enjoy a little moisture
So you’re waiting on the mate that’s one-a-million?
And carbonation ain’t the way that you envisioned
You say it’s strange but baby shed your inhibitions
And let your date slip into something aluminium
She’s elegant and eloquent and so effervescent
Subtle bubbles in my stubble feeling ever so pleasant
Never thought I’d find a girl with such a delicate essence
Free with the meal deal at the delicatessen
Saw you sittin’ in the fridge with a twinkle
Are you a multipack can or are you single?
A little sipping and a spritz isn’t sinful
I’m just finna get my finger in your ring pull

[Chorus]
So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love
And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of
If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man
You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans
Every glamorous can has a heart to fill
So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil
Get lost in the froth as the foam expands
Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans
[Verse 2]
Now you’ve seen other paysite galleries
But none of those girls taste like raspberries
So if you think we’re just some obscene cannery
All our cans are over eighteen calories
So, give a spray for some flirtatious behaviour (Oh)
That come-hither hiss is what you came for
We’ve been brewing up a plethora of flavours
Say we’re crude, you can never say we’re tasteless
So if you drink it straight or with a mixer
Bring a mister or a missus home for dinner
Everybody’s got a different fizzle in their spritzer
What’s it matter what ingredients are on your sticker?
I haven’t met you all, but it’s contextual
You’re all impeccable if it’s consensual
If you’re ace, demi, pan, flexible
End of the day we are all can-sexual, ha!

[Chorus]
So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love
And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of
If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man
You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans
Every glamorous can has a heart to fill
So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil
We can semi-guarantee that we won’t be banned
Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans
[Verse 3]
May be fizzy but I’ll spit a little candour
Sure it’s sticky but we’ll lick the spillage after
There’s only one app for tin-can philanderers
Snapping what the can did with your candid camera
Can a can cancan? Yes it can, all the cans in Cannes are
Canuck cans in Canada, Manly cans in Canberra in canoes
Grabbing noodles and canoodling with cans in Can Tho
Mexican cans in Cancun, scandalously scantily clad in their scanties and decanting at you
Camping with a Scandinavian can, under a canopy, alone in a canyon with your can boo
Share a cannoli with Italian cans on the canals before a candlelit dance
Then canter off to Canterbury for a canny romance, you better cancel your plans
This Can-sonova can’t handle the demand
Of Cantabrian cañ-oritas in cantinas with fans on the Canary Islands
Strip canasta ‘til you’re down to your pants
And your can-panion froths over your hand
Damn, these Cantonese Shizes are your creamiest stans
So go over to - Can-bodia
You can let the local flavour flow over you
Getting down with the hard, round chromium
Lovin’s never been so low-sodium

Can looking like a snack? That’s a canape
Can-paining like Barack? That’s a candidate
Can sweet on your tongue? That’s a candy cane
Can rocking them guns? That’s some cannonade
Feel that can in your heart? That’s a cannula
Can sends it’s regards? That’s a Canister
(Ooh, that's a canister, baby!)
Inquisitive can? That’s a canvasser
Insensitive can? Cantankerous
[Chorus]
So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love
And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of
If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man
You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans
Every glamorous can has a heart to fill
So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil
Hey, don’t touch, just hold the cam
Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans

[Outro, spoken]
So download OnlyCans, the app for soda lovers!
It’s got very high ratings!
…Oh, oh no, sorry. It’s very ‘hydrating’, my mistake