[Intro]
Whoa, if it isn't a Lightner
Hey, hey, hey!
Looks like you’re all alone on a late night
All your friends abandoned you for the slime you are?
Sales gone down the drain, drain?
Living in a goddamn garbage can?
Hahahaha!
Friend, either you're closing your eyes
To savings you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of discounts
Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object
In your community

[Verse 1]
Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right place
Ripe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket
You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky
That you get to be investing in this very special product
From everybody's favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997
Mighty proud to say it, mighty proud to say it
Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it, yes sir
Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?
Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?
Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum!
Listen up! For the offer only comes just once
Hey, chum! I can see you're having violent thoughts
But don't you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot?
Inquire today while the secret's in stock
All you gotta do is hyperlink blocked
I used to be nothing but the email guy
Now I'm the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy
Hahahaha!
[Chorus]
We've got never bettered bargains
We've got deals you won't believe
We can tell you what you want
Before you realize what you need
If you'll pardon us the jargon
Here's our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit
But we'll take your heart for free

[Verse 2]
Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?
Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?
Well, here's one weird trick discovered by a mom
And I'm sure #5 will surprise you
All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening
Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string
You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it's yours
Hahahaha! I wasn't listening
See, it says just here, right here, last year
On the third of the fourth at 5:06
You searched cat pics online, well, that's just fine
Moist, delicious cookies
Little tippy-tap kitty catalyst, now we have a list
And we'll guess what every habit is
Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran?
You’ll be categorically catatonic
At the catalog of categories I have at my hands
A cavalcade of all your favorite brands
An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand
You'd better cancel your plans
Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper
Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine?
Why won't Mike just call me?
Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed?
Bed bath? Bath sponge? Sponge who hates its $4.99
Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean?
Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket?
Jackdaw? Doorstop?
Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture!
Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado?
Adderall? Ads are all seeping
Ping pong? Ponchos? Choke chains? Chainsaws?
Swordfish? Shish kebab? Bobcat?
Do you want a cat or not?
Well, you wanna be a big shot, don't you?
Don't you wanna be the next big thing?
You can do it! Yes, it's true, it's really true
There’s nothing to it, I can prove it, hear the registers ring
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring
You're kidding? It's for you *garbage noise*
Wanna know a secret? Hyperlink blocked
You too can have a communion with, hahaha!
Soon, I'll even surpass that damned clown around town
[Chorus]
We've got never bettered bargains
We've got deals you won't believe
We can tell you what you want
Before you realize what you need
If you'll pardon us the jargon
Here's our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit
But we'll take your heart for free

[Verse 3]
Holy cungadero there, you funky, little worm
You seem unaware of all the money you could earn
If you wanna get the gold, well, there is stuff you gotta learn
Milk the humans of their kindness, then there’s butter to be churned
You want it, need it, don't you see?
But if you wanna make your screen green
You're gonna need my kromer key
Yes, you've got trouble, my friend, whadayatalk?
Right here in Cyber City
See, I used to be a top-notch big shot
Best deals! Best wheels! Best, best prices in the tri-state area
But you can get it back! Hahaha! Yes, you can
All you gotta do is follow through my twelve-step plan
Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling me
You gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a grand
Who's gonna patronize a little bitty
Two-by-four kinda store anymore?
Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go
Make a deal! Big deal, high score! Our store is closing
Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, one
Not skipping offers wired into your inbox
Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot
All this and more, click, hyperlink blocked
[Bridge]
Can anyone hear me?
Help
Mike, Mike?
Hahaha!

[Chorus]
We've got never bettered bargains
We've got deals you won't believe
We can tell you what you want
Before you realize what you need
If you'll pardon us the jargon
Here's our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit
But we'll take your heart for free

[Verse 4]
Insurance! Know that I'm the best in policy
Honestly, do you want to end in poverty?
Buddy, I'm the one to help invest it properly
I'm here to talk about extended warranty
It's a super bumper, liquidation, last chance
First day, half price, fire sale like never before
And it's there to explore, when you step in the door
The very model of a modern major general store
But the fact is everybody's gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you haven't, well, you've had it, couldn't hack it
Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it's
Just the haven'ts that're lacking what they're having
Now the ads have got the traffic
And we've grabbed your demographic
So you're packing up your basket
'Cause your dad has gotta have it
He'll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it'll be tragic
So you're manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic
Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it
So you get it, you're ecstatic but a crackle in the static
And the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plastic
So you trash it then you get back into your car
'Cause you don't have it
And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you haven't, well, you've had it, couldn't hack it
Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the hads are very glad it's
Hochi-mama, what a mouthful!
In the encyclopedia of being afraid
There ain't nothing to be scared of 'til there's fees to be paid
There's deals to be made with seasonal savings
Regional ratings are lethally fading
Screaming and raving, ceaseless appraising
Neat, little plate with a needless engraving
Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing
Feet in the grave but gleefully trading
Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything
Deals so good I'll **** myself
Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything
Gone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan
Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything
I can feel that smooth taste already
Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything
Hyperlink blocked