[Spoken: Dr. Pilchard]
“Gunpowder Tim and Ashes O’Reilly, laid low by brute force alone. With Nastya succumbing to a computer virus. Drumbot Brian was marched to the brig at gunpoint. Ivy was enticed there by the prospect of a book fair. Raphaella la Cognizi chloroformed in her lab. The Toy Soldier caved into peer pressure. Jonny… caved into octokitten pressure. And as for Marius… I just asked him nicely."

[Dr. Pilchard] “Are we sitting comfortably?”
[Jonny d'Ville] “No.”
[Dr. Pilchard] “Good. Then I’ll begin."

[Verse 1: Dr. Pilchard]
Finally I've got you trapped in here with me
Your ship is seized, now you're on your knees
You're overpowered, within the hour
You'll be inside my laboratory

[Chorus: Dr. Pilchard]
Life, life, eternity!
This is the gift you'll give to me
True immortality
All of your secrets soon I'll see

[Jonny d'Ville] “You know I must admit I’m impressed. I don’t remember the last time anyone managed to incapacitate us all like this
[Gunpowder Tim] “Wasn’t it that aristocratic one with all the knives?”
[Jonny d'Ville] “Ahh, the Marquis de All the Knives… Now there was a worthy foe."

[Verse 2: Dr. Pilchard]
Soon there'll be nothing money cannot buy
They'll trade their wealth for eternal life
The strife of man since the world began
Is to conquer death, and that’s my plan
[Chorus: Dr. Pilchard]
Life, life, eternity!
This is the gift you'll give to me
True immortality
All of your secrets soon I'll see

[Jonny d'Ville] “Ugh. Why is it always immortality? Why does no one ever want anything more interesting?”
[Ashes O'Reilly] “I know, right? What about, say, gold? I have all this gold lying around.”
[Jonny d'Ville] “Yeah… Why do you have all that gold?”
[Ashes O'Reilly] “Oh, it’s uh. It’s for tax purposes.”

[Verse 3: Drumbot Brian]
Hear my words, I'm an honest man
I'll tell you where our crew began
The workshop hides in our ship's insides
And I'll take you there, for it's wrong to lie

[Chorus: Drumbot Brian]
Life, life, eternity!
Granted by this laboratory -

[Verse 4: Pilchard]
No!
I'll go alone to see
You won’t escape that easily
[Drumbot Brian] “He thought I was tricking him… I wasn’t tricking him!”
[Jonny d'Ville] You sent him alone, unarmed, to the Doc’s lab.”
[Drumbot Brian] "(sigh) Point taken.”

[Pilchard] (music now warped)
"Life…. eternity…. I don’t want this gift! Keep her away from me! Oh, stay back! Stay back!"

[Nastya] “And…. we never saw him again.”