[KATHERINE HOWARD]
And then I was beheaded

[CATHERINE PARR]
Wow! That got pretty real just then

[KATHERINE HOWARD]
Yeah, yeah, I guess it did
And to sing as I had the worst time
And you know, by the rules of the competition I'm now the leading lady of the girl group! Hear (city)!

[ALL]
[?]

[JANE SEYMOUR]
You had it bad, but that was not the most heart-wrenching song we've heard this evening

[KATHERINE HOWARD]
Um, excuse me, were you not listening to my song?
There were four choruses! That's how much shh I had to deal with

[ANNE BOLEYN]
Wow, yeah, being manipulated by men and paying a price
None of us could possibly imagine what that mu-
Oh wait, yeah, I did experience that
[ANNA OF CLEVES]
Yeah, for like the last five minutes of your marriage, Anne!

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON]
Men have manipulated me from day one
I was literally shipped over from a foreign country, not knowing a single word of English to marry a random duke!

[ANNA OF CLEVES]
Oh my god! Same!

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON]
Oh, okay fine, fine!
But then, when Henry decided he had had enough of me he didn't even have the decency to say goodbye

[ANNE BOLEYN]
Same

[KATHERINE HOWARD]
Oh yeah, same, nice neck by the way

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON, (JANE SEYMOUR)]
Okay, how about this
When my one and only child had a raging fever
Henry didn't let me, her mother s(low boo-hoo)

[JANE SEYMOUR]
Baby Mary had the chickenpox and you weren't there hold her hand
It's funny because when I went to hug my newborn son, I died!
[ANNA OF CLEVES]
Guys, I have the plague

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON, ANNE BOLEYN, JANE SEYMOUR, KATHERINE HOWARD, CATHERINE PARR]
What?

[ANNA OF CLEVES]
Lol, just kidding
My life is amazing
But to be fair to me I was humiliated on an international scale

[ANNE BOLEYN]
Oh yeah, imagine what that must have felt like
Who else could possibly relate!

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON]
Oh calm down Anne
You wanna talk about humiliation, hm
Well, when I was queen, Henry had not one, not two, but three historically confirmed mistresses!

[ANNE BOLEYN]
Oh yeah, well I had not one, not two, but three miscarriages!

[ALL]
[?]
[CATHERINE OF ARAGON]
You know Anne Boloser, I had 5 miscarriages!

[ALL]
[?]

[CATHERINE PARR]
Stop! That's enough!

[JANE SEYMOUR]
Wait, whatcha doing?

[CATHERINE PARR]
I mean I think we've heard enough of this competition

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON]
Yeah, you know what queens?
She's absolutely right

[KATHERINE HOWARD]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's time to decide who won!

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON, ANNE BOLEYN, JANE SEYMOUR, ANNA OF CLEVES, KATHERINE HOWARD]
Woo!

[CATHERINE PARR]
No no no no no, stop!
Stop!
I really don't think it's a good idea

[ANNE BOLEYN]
Literally, what you worried about mate?

[CATHERINE PARR]
I mean let's see who had the biggest cheer
Being murdered by your husband or experiencing the trauma of losing a baby
Are we really gonna do this?

[JANE SEYMOUR]
I'm pretty sure we've been doing that for the past hour, so

[CATHERINE PARR]
But, miscarriages
C'mon, surely that's one step too far

[CATHERINE OF ARAGON, ANNE BOLEYN, JANE SEYMOUR, ANNA OF CLEVES, KATHERINE HOWARD]
Eh

[ANNA OF CLEVES]
Can't believe we have a conscience all of a sudden

[ANNE BOLEYN]
More like [?]

[KATHERINE HOWARD]
I'm Catherine Parr, I draw the line in arbitrary places

[JANE SEYMOUR]
I mean she probably doesn't even have a story to tell

[CATHERINE PARR]
Uh, how do I
Yeah, okay yeah I will tell you a story

[ANNA OF CLEVES]
This ought to be good

[CATHERINE PARR]
Come on then queens
Take a seat
Cheers Joan
So, Henry and I actually have something in common
I've also had my fair share of marriages
Although, unlike Henry, I managed to get through them without decapitating anyone
I don't know, gold star for Catherine Parr?
But they have this really annoying habit of... passing away
And so as well as having to deal with, you know, incapacitating grief
I also had to keep finding new husbands to avoid being ostracized
Tudor womanhood; wouldn't recommend
And then one day I finally meet this guy
Thomas
He seems like he might stick around for a while and then, you guessed it
He turned out to be the love of my life
You know right, we had this plan to get married, actually
But that's when Henry turned up
Single and ready to make an unexpecting woman his wife
Just my luck
So, how's that?
I had to write a letter to Thomas
Ending thing
"Dear Thomas