Okay uh there’s a packet here in front of me and uh it says I should say into the microphone who I am and what I’m doing. Well that’s very simple my name is Penn Jillette I’m a professional performer and about two weeks ago I got a letter in the mail that said they wanted me to host the 10th anniversary radio special for a record company I’d never heard of, which was called Ralph Records, and I was to be locked in a motel room for six days and I was to listen to all their music, read all their bios and then host the special, so I guess here I am in some sort of intensive training. I was told to show up at the bentley motor inn on grove street in san-francisco at ten o’clock in the morning, and here I am. I guess that tells who I am and what I’m doing, now I’ll open the packet here… Nothing like nice new records huh? Jesus Ah okay, right here we Have Santa, Santa Dog by… I don’t know who it’s by yet, but it’s a 45 called Santa Dog with a fold up cover. I’m being paid, and I’m going to work!

A fleeting and a sleeting scene of snowness and of sleeves
A fleeting and a sleeting scene of snowness and of sleeves

Santa Dog's a Jesus Fetus
Santa Dog's a Jesus Fetus
Santa Dog's a Jesus Fetus
Has no presents
Has no presence
In the Future!

I’ve heard my first little bit of Ralph Records and that was Santa Dog, I’ve only listened to it once and I think with a few more listens I could grow to at least understand. It’s interesting, I have friends who listen to that kind of music, I don’t myself that much, I guess I’m going to more in the next 6 days, but I wonder, maybe they have something a bit more like I’d like to listen to in the morning… I’ll try Meet The Residents.

Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues, smelly tongues
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues looked just as they felt
Smelly tongues, smelly tongues
Smelly tongues, smelly tongues
Smelly tongues
Okay, you guys really want to get your money’s worth don’t you. I’ve listened to this Meet The Residents thing, I’ve listened to it a couple of times, and there’s some sort of N. Senada and there’s some sort of Phonetics that we’re talking about here and I haven’t really got a handle on it, but I’ll keep working on it, I’ve got plenty of time. Now the next album I’m gonna listen to is Not Available. That might be confusing, it’s actually here, and the way I’ve got this now and you can correct me if I’m wrong.
Or have forgotten it, and now apparently it’s come out, which I guess means either The Residents are dead or have forgotten to simply change their minds. I’m starting to understand this, and I’ve listened to Santa Dog a few more times, and although I still don’t like it, I can listen to it now, so I guess I’ll hear a little bit of Not Available.

The quick brain drained the main
And the ships a goin' down me mates
The ship she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down
The quick brain drained the main
And the ships she's a goin' down, boys
The ship she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down
The quick brain drained the main
And the ships she's a goin' down, boys
The ship she's a goin' down
The ships she's goin' down me mates
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down
The quick brain drained the main
And the ships she's a goin' down, boys
The ship she's a goin' down
The ships she's goin' down me mates
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down
-ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The ship' she's a goin' down
The quick brain drained the main
And the ships she's a goin' down, boys
The ship she's a goin' down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down
And Santa Dog a few times, and I got a handle on this now, I haven't got this phonetic stuff, but I do have a handle on the actual business. It seems that these gentlemen The Residents got together, and they were putting out this music, sounds, whatever, and they tried to sell it to Warner Brothers, and a few other companies, and they wouldn’t buy it for I’m sure they had their reasons, and then The Residents started their own record company which was called Ralph, and I don’t know the reasons for that, and then they started putting out this music themselves, and there is a certain amount of, I, just, overt hostility, for instance Third Reich N Roll, which I haven’t listened to yet so I really shouldn't comment on it, but I mean, who cares.

So I guess this isn’t just noise, it doesn’t take you two years to make noise, if they wanted to just, I mean if this is what it sounded like, they would just, they could just do it y'know in an afternoon, so I guess there’s a certain amount of… it can’t be as tiring to make as it is to listen to. I remember I used to, for a while I was trying to play recorder when I was in Junior High, and they told us that Bach was more fun to play than it was to listen to, and he had this… oh I don’t know this guy had a had a, was a Cello or something, he could really read music, but I never really…

Hitler Was a Vegetarian, it’s just ridiculous here, I don’t even know, Swastikas on Parade is the other side. I don’t know if this is called for, but hey, I’ll listen. I’ll have an open mind even if…

Too many teardrops for one heart to be cryin'
Too many teardrops for one heart to carry on
You're way on top now
Since you left me
You're always laughin'
Way down at me
But watch out now

And you'll start cryin'
Ninety-six tears
Cry
Cry cry cry

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone
But Judy left the same time
Why was he holding her hand
When he's supposed to be mine
Yes, it's your party, I know it's your party
And, you know that you can cry, and, it's cool
But you have to

Okay! Third Reich N Roll, now I knew some of those songs there, I understood, I recognised actually more than half of the songs there, I recognised it was Hey Jude, Sympathy for The Devil, and even some things from my youth that were just wonderful. They don’t seem to be played that carefully, they don’t seem to be played that well, there, they don’t seem quite right to me and there’s some other stuff happening there, I’m sure it’s not the point, but at least it was rather refreshing to hear. to hear, some tunes that even I could relate to on this, and now I see here we have Satisfaction, now I’m a stones fan from way back, and I just can’t wait!

I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction

Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
That's what I say

When I'm at the picture show
And I can't get no popcorn
And I grab a knife
And I stab at it
And I beat on dime-uh-shaw
And you think I'm all messed-up
Well I think you're all messed-up!
And I grab a gun and I pull a gun
And I don’t know what!

When I'm goin' to my job
And I'm riding on the bus
And I grit my teeth
And I clench my fist
And I rip up this whole bus!

Satisfaction, welp, it’s about the end of my first day. It’s now, actually it’s almost 6 O’clock, in the evening, and I was told that I only had to listen until 5:30, so I’m done for the day, and it was very interesting. I cannot say in honesty that I liked any of what I heard today, but I was certainly interested by it, and I guess I’ll take a little rest, and tomorrow start fresh again.

This storm bringer, but they put it there, and I guess it is food, I can, why are they able to hire me? Y'know I started in ‘72, in ‘72 I was juggling professionally, yknow, and then I went from there to doing some sort of writing work, and some comedy work, and then I did some straight acting, and how come they are able to hire me! I should be hiring them, and locking them, whoever they hell they are, in a little room, and making them watch all my video tapes, god knows I got ‘em, my mom has ‘em, my mom has videotapes of me, Mike Douglas show, and a couple of other shows I did, mom has the tapes, and you wait, I’m gonna land a sitcom soon and then I’m gonna hire me a whole estate, I’m gonna find out who The Residents are, and I’m gonna lock them on the estate and make them watch all of my video tapes and make them talk about them, in a long interview.