Lennon: (Haha, alright. Well, are we on?) Thank you, mother. Thank you. Hello, I'm John. I used to play with my partner, Paul.
Simon: I'm, uh... I'm Paul I used to play with my partner, Art.
Williams: I'm Andy. I used to play with my partner, Claudine.
Lennon: (Hoho!) ...Uh, this partner of your's... Did you you two do anything creatove—creative? Creative! (Mmm... Well?)
Williams: I guess you could say we came up with three hits.
Lennon: That's very good, yeah.
Simon: Art and I did that in one day!
Williams: Oh, you did? Well, we're a little slow. You know, the music that you fellas wrote, though, really did influence my life. It influenced it quite a bit. As a matter of fact, it helped tell the story of me and my partner.
Lennon: Ah! Any songs in particular, Andy?
Williams: Well, let's see... It started off "I Want to Hold Your Hand," and it finished with "Bridge Over Troubled Water."
Lennon: True. Touching. Touching...
Williams: Thank you—
Lennon: Shall we get on with it?
Williams: Let's do it.
Lennon: Yeah? Okay... My God! So this is what Dawn does, hmm?
[Laughter]
Lennon: Oh! For record of the year, Grammys to artist and producer, the nominees are...
[Snippet of Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" plays]
Simon: Pérez Prado, "Cherry Pink And Apple Blossom White." ...No. I—I—I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Elton John, "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." Gus Dudgeon, producer.
Lennon: Ayy!
[Snippet of Roberta Flack's "Feel Like Makin' Love" plays]
Lennon: Roberta Flack for "Feel Like Makin' Love." Roberta Flack, producer.
[Snippet of Joni Mitchell's "Help Me" plays]
Simon: Joni Mitchell for "Help Me." Joni Mitchell and Henry Louise, producers.
[Snippet of Olivia Newton-John's "I Honestly Love You" plays]
Lennon: Olivia Newton-John for "I Honestly Love You." John Farrar, producer.
[Snippet of Maria Muldaur's "Midnight at the Oasis" plays]
Simon:That's Maria Muldaur for "Midnight at the Oasis." Lenny Waronker and Joe Boyd, producers.
Lennon: And the winner is... (Exciting!) Oh two Grammys! "I Honestly Love You," Olivia Newton-John. Producer, John Farrar. (Jolly good. Jolly good.)
Williams: Accepting the award for Olivia Newton-John is Art Garfunkel!
[Simon and Lennon silently greet Garfunkel]
Lennon: Which one of you is Ringo?
[Simon gestures to Garfunkel]
Simon: I... I thought I told you to wait in the car!
Lennon: Are you ever getting back together again?
[Simon gestures to Garfunkel and Lennon]
Simon: Are you guys getting back together again?
Lennon: No... It's terrible, isn't it?
Garfunkel: Still writing, Paul?
Lennon: (Nasty! Nasty!)
Simon: Yeah—hehe... Trying my hand at a little acting.
[Lennon turns to Garfunkel]
Lennon: Where's Linda?
[Mostly silence]
Lennon: Oh, well. Too subtle, that one. Alright, are we gonna' give it [to] him.
Garfunkel: I accept it on behalf of them. They can't be here, and I'm sure they're very grateful for the honor. Thank you.
Lennon: He's so serious!
[Applause as men exit stage and banter amongst themselves]