[Intro: Jay & Soulman 69]
"Yo, Soul."
"What up, Jay?"
"You still singing at my party tonight?"
"Ha! Is my dick 2 inches long?"
"I don't know, is it?"
"It is."
"That's great then."
"I beg to disagree."
"Listen, Soul, it's gon' be a very traditional crowd."
"I can dig it, baby."
"You gotta promise me. No singin' about stealing girls, or promiscuous sex. None of that."
"But that's like, my whole deal."
"Just do a few lyrics changes. Make it more... wholesome."
"Just for tonight?"
"Just for tonight."
"I'm on my way."
"Hello everybody. My name's Soulman 69. This next song's called, 'Everybody's Gonna Have Sex Tonight'."
"Oh no."

[Chorus: Soulman 69]
Everybody, everybody
Everybody, everybody

[Verse 1: Soulman 69]
Everybody's gonna have sex tonight
As long as you're havin' it with your wife
And as long as your wife wants to have some sex
'Cause if not, better put your ass to bed
Everybody go and grab your mans right now, say
"Sex me, daddy, 'til the baby comes out" (Ay!)
But only when our income is stable as shit
And when that baby comes, you better baptize it, oh
Girl, (Girl) I wanna sex ya
'Cause you're my fuckin' partner for life, oh-ho
The whole point of gettin' married
Was so I could sex right, all night
Now, (Now) when, (When) we have the sex (Sex)
We can do it all guilt free-ee-ee (Ee-ee)
We donated, and volunteered, and fed the poor
Mama, Jesus won't be mad when you lock the door
So go and lock the door
[Chorus: Soulman 69 & MC CAN'T READ]
Everybody, everybody (Ay)
Everybody, (I can't fuckin' read) everybody

[Verse 2: MC CAN'T READ]
If you need the sweet seed of a certified G
But still need the clean gleem of a certified ring
Literal saint in the streets
But a freak in the sheets
Better lock it down for eternity
Gonna make you scream my name so loud
In a far off place, no one's around
'Cause I still feel shameful, yes I do
But I'm still gonna make you have 5 orgasms
Your legs shakin' as I go down
Ain't a one night stand, I'ma be around
Make you swear I'm the man who invented sex
But it can't be true
Was a virgin 'til I met you

[Chorus: Soulman 69]
Everybody, everybody
Everybody, everybody
Everybody's gonna have sex tonight

[Outro: Soulman 69 & Guy]
"Except for you."
"Who? Me?"
"Yeah! You!"
"Dammit."