[Spoken Intro: Andy Samberg and Katy Perry]
Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holidays?
What?
The greatest gift there is! Friendship!
Aw, Andy!

[Andy Samberg and Katy Perry]
We're two best friends
With holiday cheer
We're wrapping lots of presents
And going caroling

We're two best friends
At the end of the year
We're wearing funny hats
And watching Lion King

Two best friends eating cornish hens

[Spoken Interlude 1: Andy Samberg, Katy Perry, and Matt Damon]
Look! It's a handsome drug addict!
How's it going?
Do you wanna be best friends with us too?
Enh...
Okay
[Andy Samberg, Katy Perry, Matt Damon, and all]
Three best friends with holiday cheer!
We're smelling all the flowers
And munching on pizza!
We're stealing socks
And digging through trash
And paying for our meth with sexual favors!
Three best friends
Eating Cornish Hens (Who wear Depends! What?)

[Spoken Interlude 2: Andy Samberg, Katy Perry, and (Val Kilmer)]
(Hey. I'm a brilliant lunatic. I wanna be friends, too!)
Oh, no, we're good...
(Then it's settled.)
No--

[Andy Samberg, Katy Perry, Matt Damon, Val Kilmer, and all]
Four best friends
And we all love meth!
And holiday cheer!
And huffing on gas fumes!

[(Val Kilmer), Birdman, and all]
(Then I force you over to my science lab)
(And make you watch me feed my failed Birdman experiment)
Kill me...!
With four best friends
Fun never ends!
[Spoken Interlude 3: Andy Samberg, Katy Perry, Matt Damon, and (Val Kilmer)]
(Speaking of fun, let's play Russian Roulette!)
Great! I'll go first!
{gunshot}
Aww...
Okay, fuck this, I'm out of here
No, wait, don't leave me with him! Ah...
(Hi.)
Looks like it's back to two!
{Birdman clears his throat}

[Andy Samberg, Val Kilmer, Birdman, and all]
Two and a half friends!
I'm finally free!
I'm going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!
Oh
So...
Okay, uh, bye
(See ya.)
Don't wait up

[Andy Samberg, (Val Kilmer), and both]
Two guys left
(I built a time machine)
(Let's turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln!)
{The machine activates. Lincoln appears.}

[Abraham Lincoln]
Sup

[Andy Samberg, Abraham Lincoln (Val Kilmer), and both]
Three best friends!
Slavery is bad!
This button is jammed!
(I'm sure it's no prob-)

{The machine activates again. Amelia Earhart appears.}

[Amelia Earhart]
I'm the first woman pi-

[All]
Four best friends!

{The machine activates again. Marilyn Monroe appears.}

[All]
Five best frie-

{The machine activates again. Julius Caesar appears.}

[All]
Six-

{The machine activates several more times.}

[Andy Samberg]
Got it!

[Andy Samberg, Val Kilmer, Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, and two cavemen]
We're all best friends with holiday cheer
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[Birdman]
Kill me!