The Ranger$
The Guest List
[Spoken Intro]
[Shael Riley]
So, this guy’s like, “I like the lyrics, but your delivery was a little… hoarse.”

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Uh huh…

[Shael Riley]
And no kidding, MC Horse full-on kicks this guy’s head through one of those stage amps

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Wow…

[Shael Riley]
Yeah, I’d never seen anything like-

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Wait, wait, wait. Hey. Hey! Kabuto!

[Kabuto the Python]
Oh, hey, Schaeffer, hey, what’s up you guys?

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Hey. Thanks for inviting us, Kabuto!

[Kabuto the Python]
Aw, absolutely
[Schäffer the Darklord]
This is an absolutely star-studded party!

[Shael Riley]
Yeah, there’s so many rappers in here…

[Schäffer the Darklord]
I can really feel the creative juices humidifying the air in here

[Shael Riley]
Did I ever tell you guys my secret fear?

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Yo, this music is getting me pumped!

[Kabuto the Python]
What’s your secret fear, Shael Riley?

[Shael Riley]
I have this dream that I’m in a huge room full of, like, twenty rappers...

[Kabuto the Python]
Uh huh…

[Shael Riley]
And... one of them just suddenly starts... rapping, and it sets off some kind of... chain reaction, and pretty soon they’re all just… rapping, at- at me-
[Kabuto the Python]
Well, then maybe you’d better get Schäffer-

[Schäffer the Darklord]
Yo…

[Kabuto the Python]
Hey, Schäffer!

[Rapping]
[Schäffer the Darklord]
Yo! Bust into the party with a totally colossal posse
Got a lot of awesome possums feeling awful naughty
Got a pocket-slash-headful of drugs, down and wicked
Call me Ad-Rock, son, cuz I’m about to (Kick it!)
Hop upon the countertops and talk a lot of rotten talk
Pop a lot of bottles copping pot and only rocking socks
A lady knows I’m Schäffer, maybe take her to the rooftop
First I gotta pass the mic before I crash or do shots

[Adam WarRock]
Bottle of Crooked Eye, looking fly, smoking lye
At least that's what they say in them rap songs, amidoinitrite?
I'm flipping a rhyme and killing the mic and keeping it tight, at least I'm
Trying my best to appear like I'm macking some felines
Beelines is made for that party dip, celery sticks
Probably seen me, I'm that kid who's always getting in shit
Down in the South, we'd slow roast some pulled pork
But on the internet, we pull corks with Dual Core
[Int80 (of Dual Core)]
Hey, I see a party (Dual Core!), no way to stop me
Kicking ill raps like my verse knows karate (yeaw!)
Honestly, I'd say there's no blocking me
We've got the best rappers: it's an oligopoly (woah!)
You'd prob'ly be better off with forfeits
See, we bring the sting like a corset of hornets (bzz! bzz!)
Similes are killing me, better rewind
Old school like a honeycomb full of beehives

[SayHi]
Yo. Top of the circle, and I’m prob’ly gon’ hurt you
The punchline has got me looking like I’m boxing with Urkel
I still admit it, though my rap’s insane
Like I’m walking up to crackheads and asking for change
I grab two shots, but they handing me more
Fast forward and I’m taking off her panties, of course
I’m bout to get the sloppy because I’m ramming a Horde
And bust a nut big enough to feed a family of four

[Da Silky Slimz]
[Big Wyrm]
The new improved party worm, Wyrm, you get me?

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
Teach ladies how to sin

[Big Wyrm]
Dudes are learning envy

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
Ain’t a person in the world that’s ready

[Big Wyrm]
So forget ‘em

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
We bringing down the house

[Big Wyrm]
Like Slurms McKenzie
Not having a meet greet

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
We spazzing like neat freaks

[Big Wyrm]
I’m snorting Dune spice off the back of a twi’lek

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
Dive into that blue

[Big Wyrm]
I’ll leave her ass in a deep sleep

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
When Slimz go out to party

[Big Wyrm]
We ain’t back for like three weeks

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
So at the crack of dawn, Masta Don still macking on
Platinum blondes with the matchin’ bras and panties off
We get our beer on

[Big Wyrm]
We hit the beer bong

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
We playin’ beer pong

[Big Wyrm]
Until all the beer’s gone

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
We’re more Irish than Sinead O’Connor’s potato farmer

[Big Wyrm]
Chugging whole kegs

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
Like it ain’t no problem

[Big Wyrm]
Y’all got on ya beer goggles on

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
Lordy lordy

[Big Wyrm]
Slimz got 20/20

[Masta Don da Mastodon]
After forty 40s

[Old Snake Da CQC MC]
DAMN, I didn’t get no Evite
Sneak by security and now they sleep tight
I step up in the party, Lodi Dodi
And probably do shots off of hotties’ bodies
And if, you wanna cock block and stop me
Headshots instead, red dots, you’re dead
La La La La Li Lu Le Lo
No respawns, lay low, this ain’t a game bro

[Beefy]
Oldschool!
Ring the bell and I’ll jump into it quick
I’m barely in your debt because I keep it Lannister rich
I’m the incident that gets ya fired, kicked out of school
So when your girl gets mad I stroll up asking, “How do you do?” (What’s up, boo?)
Beefy T kinda cool, but he ain’t legendary
Leave ya in a cemetery, only tell your secretary
Drop the mic and break it so nobody else can go, yo
It’s out of my control, but that’s the only way I close

[Whoremoans]
Someone tell these dudes they need to quit playing
There’s a full moon out and my spirit animal is Saiyan
Y’all don’t want to see me like a movie starring a Wayans
That isn’t Keenan Ivory or Damon
You told me to drop eight bars
Motherfucker, I don’t count, I just rhyme hard
And when I go soft, I fluff myself
I should have more confidence, as much as I love myself

[The Scrub Club All​-​Stars]
[MadHatter]
Scrub Club in the house, raise up your hands
Grab an energy drink, drop your pants and dance

[Klopfenpop]
Because the sans-pants dance is the stance of the club
And we enhance tracks aptly while advancin’ the love

[Remi-son]
Yo! Taking no pity on people who never show no love
So I raise the stakes high if you want something from us. Yeah!

[King Pheenix]
Da Ro Fus, hold up your cups, watch the bird fly
Inverted perversion of the words turns your third eye

[Viet Vu]
So high, like a bird’s eye, in the midst of flight
Drop bomb rhymes so fly, that’s a skyline

[Maros]
Remind minds, we heavy, our rhymes remain steady ill
Hope your body is ready, we murder beats... lyrikill

[Buc Preston (of Southside)]
My nut sack’s spherical, yeah, I keep it snug
Fuck your ironic roomba, yeah, I keep it smug

[Thunderball (of Southside)]
Dookie taker. Wake and baker
Crack the wax, tall glass, come on out, my Maker’s

[Navi]
They got me sipping that overclocked firewater, gimmie any subject
And I’ll weigh in on a fat mic punkin drublic
By comparison the half wit tip’s so subtle
On some Japanese drill bit gravel pit kerfuffle
‘Cept to cuddle won’t let the flow hover round smooth
In advance, bring days to rue
And I’m sued by Darude for the Sandstorm madlib
But still burning active, no Anatoly Dyatlov
Billy goats paint gruff up in fifty coats
And plagiarize 50 Cent Wikiquotes on sticky notes
Navi knows second nature to the forte -
But y’all cool, me I’m sorbet trays in Norway
Hah!
Yeah we can do this all day
Yeah we can do this all day
We can do this our way
What’s that weed smoke drifting down the hallway?

[Mikal kHill]
Antisocial, cold rock the party?
Nah, rather chill solo
Alright though, you got me here, fuck beer
Where’s the Jack Daniels?
I drink until I’m ‘bout to fucking fly up off the handle
I know you’re gonna dig this
I get ruthless
Kick out the rhythms and I slap your mans toothless
They like, “Who’s this?”
Shit, you show respect
You ain’t seen my name in motherfucking Readers Digest?
I’m the best, goddammit, I’m awesome
Crooked teeth, broke glasses - fuck flossing
It's Mikal kHill, mean mugging like you took my turn
Rapping since I was five but now I’m back to burn

[Sulfur]
I strolled up to the door with a bottle in hand
Half full, cause pregaming was the plan
I could hardly stand, been drinking hard
Made it to the door, already threw up in the yard
Don’t stare, it’s a party right?
I’m trying to throw up hands and get down tonight
To the fright of whoever it was that answered my knock
I walked right in and put my hands on my-- schmock
Not a perv, just don’t know how to dress
Drunk as all high fuck, not trying to impress
Don’t stress--I know you shouldn’t party round kids
Don’t know who let ‘em in, but I kicked ‘em out, you dig?
Feeling big, hit the kitchen for snacks
When the boys in blue stopped me in my tracks
As they cuffed and put me in they car
Saw all my friends chilling in the neighbor's yard
Fuck!

[The Ranger]
Now just lay back and let The Ranger serenade ya
Major player in Australia with some bases in Asia
Rival rappers, meet your maker like you are on Arya Stark’s list
A man’s ready to rock a rhyme, so let me spark this
A guest from NRS to bless the track and if you have to ask
I’ll attack you like I’m Stannis and I’ll stab you with some dragon glass
Stick ‘em with the pointy end, you don’t know, leave the mic alone
Shit, you ain’t fit to sit the Iron Throne, so go on home, nerd!

[Billy the Fridge]
(coughing)
Man, I think I burned the edibles
Can’t eat the medical, eat the high chick’s genitals
Call me the General, the clit Commander
Tongue lashing so fierce I hit innocent bystanders
And my standards don’t really exist
So dirty nerdy girlies come give Billy a kiss
And I really insist that she got awesome breasts
A sight for sore eyes in this sausage fest

[Random]
It’s a party going on and all my buddies are here
I walk in high-stepping over puddles of beer
Now let me cop a squat before I pop a shot
Cuz I like to stay well-rounded, like Oswald Cobblepot
Turn the music up and grab the cutie next to you
Dance ‘til it looks like you’re doing something sexual
Crash to the sectional and pick up the mic
Kick rhymes all night to the party’s delight, well, alright

[Jesse Dangerously]
At the rap party again, I'm Mad Martigan
Cage dancing caveman jester, swag's ancestor
Canada's Sage Francis? Honey, you flatter me
Take chances - save the money for batteries
That's French for drums - you think it's fresh, then come
Get you some... and experience peer pressure from
The best in the room. Enter unassuming? Ha! You been
Sent to your doom, I guess the guests are not human!

[Wordburglar]
Somebody order a burg? Hold the mayo
Kabuto called me up and said, “Come over right away,” so
I grabbed a veggie tray and pop and chips
Never show up empty handed, even brought some dips
Got a new haircut and I ironed my pants
And now the party’s popping like you filled the dryer with cans
Of spraypaint, make way and wake the neighbors
Stay smooth all night like you shaved some ravers

[MC Frontalot]
I'm at Kabuto's! There seems to be a soiree, but I don't do those
How'd this happen to me? Who knows
Front'll hug on the wall, and watch all of you all
‘til the governor calls in the National
Garden Association
To report on what rappers are doing to Kabuto's mom's landscaping
I'm saying that it's out of control
But the whole joint's jumping up and that was your goal

[Kabuto the Python]
Dear everybody--guests that I wrote on the list
Thanks for being on my song, y'all are doper than shit
And whether you be sipping cola or be smoking the piff
You ought to know that this collabo was my Kokoro Wish
Biggest posse track, thought it would be tough to sell
But you all showed up and now I'm chuffed as hell
The guest list definitely stuffed the bill (ho ho ho)
And now we finna party like a Hutt cartel

[Spoken]
Yo. Shael, are you o-
Ohh...