It was Christmas Eve, I was standin' in the parking lot
Of "Fabulous Girls, N*** - N*** - N***"
In the car next to me there was a young lady givin' a blow-job
To a man in a Santa Claus suit
His beard was crooked, his hat askew
Embarrassed, I turned to go
When from the back seat of that Mazda I heard somebody shout "Oh Baby, don't
Stop"

And a merry "Ho-ho-ho"

When I walked inside, I ordered a beer and a double shot of whisk
And in three minutes I had fallen in love
The DJ announced "Ladies and gentlemen, from Forth Worth, Texas: Lady Godiva"
And I sat and worshipped 'neath the angel above
At the end of her set she brushed her hair
Came and sat on the stool to my right
And said "Will you buy me a drink?"
My heart beats fast, my trousers grew tight
And wittily I replied "Uhhh...."

She showed me a picture of her kid
Said during the day she's an art student
She dances six nights a week for slobs and idiots like this
Of course, present company excluded
On Donner, on Dancer, on Comet, on Blitzen
I'm lost in the valley of the supervixens
Worshippin' at the feet of the goddess above
I'm a pilgrim in the temple of love, ma, just a pilgrim in the temple
Of love

Well then Santa came stumblin' in, and somebody shouted
"Hey Santa, where's your elves?"
He sat down on the stool to my left
And the bartender took a vodka bottle of the shelf
He asked if Mrs. Claus had called
To tell her he worked on the late shift at the mall
And he was sorry, but he just got through
I turned and I asked him:
"How's the kid this year, Santa?"
Beneath his breath he whispered "A merry fuck you"

Well then the owner come over and he was a short gfat ugly guy
With a funny kind of pushed-in face
He shook my hand and said it was the first time
They'd ever had a real superstar in this place
Lady Godiva bought me a few drinks
And words came out of my mouth
What they were, I couldn't guess
But it was something about showgirls, lapdancing, motley crue
You can guess the rest
Well I walked outside, snow was falling
I had some toys to put together - it was Christmas time
Santa followed me into the parking lot
And threw up on the hood of the car next to mine
I gave him my handkerchief, pulled out onto the highway
And as I sat at the light
I swear I saw a sleigh with a dozen of reindeers
Pull up out of the parking lot and cut across the mall
And a voice shouted "Merry Christmas to all you assholes
And to all a good fucking night!"