[Shirley Simms]
My stupid boyfriend can't find his own house on a map

[Stephin Merritt & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid girlfriend can make any question a trap

[Shirley Simms]
My stupid boyfriend wants mommy to pick up his room

[Stephin Merritt & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid girlfriend fills each day with impending doom

[Shirley Simms]
Oh, if only they'd come to a sudden end

[All - Shirley & Claudia sing boyfriend, Stephin sings girlfriend]
Then you could be my stupid boyfriend/girlfriend

[Shirley Simms]
My stupid girlfriend thinks sex is some kind of sin

[Stephin Merritt & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid boyfriend drinks only the stinkiest gin

[Shirley Simms]
My stupid girlfriend just mumbles in her private code
[Stephin Merritt & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid boyfriend takes any excuse to explode

[Shirley Simms]
Oh, if only they'd follow the overdose trend

[All - Shirley & Claudia sing girlfriend, Stephin sings boyfriend]
Then you could be my stupid boyfriend/girlfriend

[Stephin Merritt]
My stupid girlfriend takes hours to make up her mind

[Shirley Simms & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid boyfriend is always one sentence behind

[Stephin Merritt]
My stupid boyfriend loves nobody more than himself

[Shirley Simms & Claudia Gonson]
My stupid girlfriend's in love with her pet magic elf

[All]
We don't even like them so why pretend
When you could be my stupid boyfriend
Oh, if only they'd come to a sudden end
Then you could be my stupid girlfriend