ACT ONE
The Simpsons watch TV. A commercial comes on. A man barbeques a soccer ball, and throws it towards the camera.

MAN
Open wide for some soccer!

Several soccer clips follow, with a voice over.

TV ANNOUNCER
The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here - fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!

BART
Hey Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?

HOMER
I... don't know.

TV ANNOUNCER
You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Adiaga! Adiaga two! Badiaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

HOMER
Oh, I've never heard of those people.

TV ANNOUNCER
And they'll all be signing autographs.
HOMER
Woohoo!

TV ANNOUNCER
This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth - Mexico or Portugal!

BART & LISA
Can we go Dad, please Dad, Please Dad, can we go Dad, huh, huh, please?

HOMER
Yes, yes! Oh god, yes!!

The Simpsons arrive at the soccer stadium.

HOMER
Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

MARGE
It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.

BART
Yo, Paella man! Wing one up here!

The man throws him a bowl of paella, and Bart manages to catch it. Lisa notices Pele walking onto the pitch

LISA
Hey look! It's Pele!
PELE
Pele is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield wax paper.

He is handed a bag of money and walks off. The game starts, and the crowd cheers. The Mexican team kicks off, and pass it between them, again and again... and again... The crowd becomes quiet.

HOMER
Boring!

KRUSTY
Come on, you schnorrers, do something!

KENT BROCKMAN
(in a commentary booth, bored) Half back passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it...

MEXICAN COMMENTATOR
(excitedly) Half back passes to center, back to wing, back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!!

SIDESHOW MEL
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

MOE
Hey, not before me you ain't.

FLANDERS
Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone.
MOE
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!

SKINNER
Hey now, that's uncalled for.

LENNY
Shut your hole, Skinner!

He punches Skinner, knocking him into Barney, spilling his beer. Barney gets mad, and dives headfirst into the people fighting, knocking them over. Groundskeeper Willy and his friends watch from nearby.

WILLY
Ach! You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

The Scots join the fighting, and the riot escalates.

MARGE
Homer, we've got to get out of here!

HOMER
But I wanna do some rioting! (he pushes one of the Scotsmen)

SCOTSMAN
Jobbers cognots, ya mucker!

HOMER
All done!

The family run off. Outside, the whole town has engaged in the riot.

The Simpsons watch the TV news.

KENT BROCKMAN
What began as a traditional soccer riot, has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. (He ducks to avoid something being thrown at him.) Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared "mob rule", so, for the next several years, it's every family for itself.

Snake walks out of Ned Flanders' house with a television set.

FLANDERS
Excuse me sir, I think you've got my TV. Sir!

LISA
Somebody's got to stop them!

BART
Let's wait until they burn the school down!

MARGE
Oh my god! Homer, they're right next door!

HOMER
Relax, Marge, if someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know.

Homer indicates a contraption by the front door. A fishing line attached to the door holds an alarm clock above a goldfish bowl. Somebody tries the door handle. Marge gasps.

HOMER
(relaxed) Watch the fish, Marge.

A hand reaches through the mail slot and grabs the fish.

MARGE
D'oh...

Homer decides to get some better security. He calls out a man from "Ex-Con Security".

SALESMAN
Looks like you called me just in time. (He pockets several things from the living room.) This home isn't secure at all.

HOMER
What did I tell ya, Marge?

SALESMAN
Intruders could come down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere.

MARGE
What do you recommend?

SALESMAN
Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good, but doesn't provide any real protection.

HOMER
Oh, let's get that.

SALESMAN
...But if you want to sleep easy at night, I recommend sealing off every door and window with bullet-proof Lucite.

MARGE
Wouldn't we all suffocate?

SALESMAN
(laughing) Well, I should hope not.

HOMER
Let's get that - the suffocation thing.

SALESMAN
And you can have it all for only five hundred dollars.

HOMER
Five hundred dollars? Aw, forget it.

He pushes the salesman to the door.

SALESMAN
But surely, you can't put a price on your family's lives?

HOMER
I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

MARGE
Homer, we need something to protect this family.

HOMER
I couldn't agree more Marjory. You deserve piece of mind, and piece of mind is what you shall have.

Cut to a gun store.

HOMER
I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.

CLERK
Aisle six, next to the "sympathy" cards.



ACT TWO
Homer is looking at the guns. He picks up an unloaded handgun, points it at the clerk, and pulls the trigger several times.

CLERK
Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley.

HOMER
I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.

The clerk takes the gun, then holds up several items in succession.

CLERK
Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster...

HOMER
Oh, yeah.

CLERK
Bandoleer.

HOMER
Baby.

CLERK
Silencer.

HOMER
Mm-hmm.

CLERK
Loudener.

HOMER
Oh...

CLERK
Speed-cocker.

HOMER
Ooh, I like the sound of that!

CLERK
(holding up a huge weapon) And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

HOMER
Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet... Just give me my gun.

He tries to take the gun.

CLERK
I'm sorry, but the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.

HOMER
Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun.

CLERK
Yeah, well you don't.

Homer walks out of the store, muttering.

HOMER
Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, well if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two. (At home that night, he is still muttering , as he paces up and down the hallway.) Let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...

LISA
Dad, it's three a.m. Can't you mutter in your room?

HOMER
Marge kicked me out.

LISA
(groaning) Oh... all right, go ahead.

HOMER
(still muttering) Pushy kids, think they can tell me what to do in my house, well I tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children...

The next morning, Homer sits out on the lawn in a deck chair.

HOMER
Oh, how am I supposed to last five days without shooting something?

He watches as a "Target Superstores" van, a line of ducks, a line of rabbits, Patty & Selma on a bicycle and Ned Flanders on his ride-on mower pass him. Flanders passes twice.

Soon, the five days has passed. Homer waits impatiently outside the gun store.

HOMER
Come on, come on, open up!

The gun salesman opens the shop, and Homer rushes inside to go to the toilet.

HOMER
Ah! That's the stuff! (He comes back out into the store.) Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

CLERK
(picking up a large wad of paper) Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

HOMER
Yeah.

CLERK
Frequent problems with alcohol...

HOMER
Oh heh heh, yeah.

CLERK
You beat up President Bush!

HOMER
Former President.

The clerk stamps the paper.

HOMER
"Potentially dangerous"?

CLERK
Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

HOMER
Woo hoo!

Homer arrives back home.

HOMER
Close your eyes, Marge, I have a surprise for you!

MARGE
Oh!

HOMER
Okay, open you're eyes!

We see Marge's perspective as she opens her eyes to see Homer pointing the gun straight at her.

MARGE
Aaah!

HOMER
It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die--

MARGE
Homer, I don't want guns in my house. Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?

HOMER
I thought Smithers did it.

LISA
That would have made a lot more sense...

BART
Hey Dad, can I borrow the gun tomorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank.

HOMER
Only if you clean your room.

MARGE
No! No one's using this gun! The TV said you're fifty-eight percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder!

HOMER
TV said that? But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution!

LISA
Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today!

HOMER
You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around. (he starts pushing Lisa) Do you want that? Huh? Do you?

LISA
No...

HOMER
All right then.

He reaches for the gun.

MARGE
I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

HOMER
A gun is not a weapon, Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or, uh... or an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what - you come with me to an NRA meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

Homer and Marge arrive at the NRA meeting. Lou and Eddie security check everyone. Several people walk through a metal detector, making it beep. When Kearney walks through the metal detector and it doesn't beep, he is sent back to get a gun. Inside, Lenny stands at the podium, holding a gun.

LENNY
Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel.

HOMER
Learning something, Marge?

MARGE
Hmm...

Moe approaches the podium.

MOE
Uh, hi, I'm Moe S.

CROWD
Hi, Moe.

MOE
Yeah, so last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

The crowd gasps.

SIDESHOW MEL
Whatever did you do, Moe?

MOE
Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. (crowd applaud) Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp! Ha ha!

The crowd laugh. Homer stands up.

HOMER
Hi, I'm Homer S.

CROWD
Hi, Homer.

HOMER
Hi. It seems to me, if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization.

The crowd cheers. Marge grabs Homer and pulls him towards her.

MARGE
Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts!

HOMER
Aw, come on, be fair Marge! For once in your life, be fair!

MARGE
Oh...

Homer is at a firing range. He shoots several cans on a wall. Lenny points out the targets on the wall to his right. It turns out he was shooting at the snack counter.

HOMER
Sorry!

TEENAGER
My fault!

Later, Homer walks into the Kwik-E-Mart, twirling his gun on his finger.

APU
Oh! Don't shoot! Just take the money and get out!

HOMER
What? Oh, Apu, I would never...

The shot pans up to his brain.

HOMER'S BRAIN
Or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart?

Homer imagines himself sat on a rocking chair outside a mansion, wearing a suit and a monocle. Marge dances in a bikini next to him. Fade back to reality.

HOMER
I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart! All right, put your--

Homer is driving away from the store, with a sandwich in his hand.

HOMER
D'oh! Oh well, I'll rob it next time.

Homer arrives home.

LISA
Dad, can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad?

HOMER
Sure thing, honey.

He fires his pistol at the roof, and a ball drops down, then deflates.

HOMER
Want me to get the cat down?

LISA
(quickly) No thanks!

Soon in the backyard, Homer practices shooting. Bart throws several plates into the air for Homer to fire at.

HOMER
Pull!

Homer fires several shots. All hit except for the last one.

BART
You missed one, Dad.

HOMER
See you in Hell, dinner plate!

He shoots the plate on the ground. Later again, the family eat dinner out of baking trays and colanders.

MARGE
Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

BART
Um...

HOMER
Mmm... you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA get together?

Homer indicates himself with his gun.

MARGE
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!

HOMER
You said the breakfast table!

MARGE
It's the same table!!

HOMER
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. (he flicks the safety, but the gun still fires) Whoops. Guess it was already on. (he flicks it again, and the gun fires again) Uh, I'd... better just put it down...

He lays it on the table. Suddenly it fires by itself, and hits a knife. The knife flies through the air and hits a picture of Marge on the wall. The family stare in disbelief.

LISA
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

MARGE
Homer, I think you'd agree I've had to put up with a lot in this marriage--

Homer opens his mouth to protest, but sees the kids shaking their heads at him.

MARGE
--but this is the first time since we've been married that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.

HOMER
All right, Marge, I'll do it. For you.

MARGE
(hugging him) I'm a lucky woman.

HOMER
And I'm a wonderful man.

Bart and Milhouse play. Bart is reaching up into the freezer to find something.

BART
Aw, I don't feel them.

MILHOUSE
You said there'd be fudgicles, Bart. Where's the fudgicles?

BART
First, it's fudgesicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. (he opens the vegetable crisper and sees Homer's gun) Hello!

Bart points a gun at Milhouse, who has an apple in his mouth.

BART
And the next marksman is... William Tell Junior!

MILHOUSE
Jinx!

Marge and Homer walk in.

MARGE
Bart!

HOMER
Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

MARGE
You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun!

HOMER
I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

MARGE
How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!

HOMER
But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

MARGE
Mmm... Until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.

HOMER
So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine. (aside, to Milhouse) Do you know how to cook dinner?

MILHOUSE
Do I?!

He opens a cupboard and pulls pots and pans out.



ACT THREE
Marge and the kids arrive at Spinster City Apartments, where Patty & Selma reside. Selma answers.

MARGE
I've left Homer!

SELMA
Thank God.

MARGE
So we need a place to spend the night.

SELMA
Try the Sleep-Eazy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.

MARGE
Why can't we stay here?

SELMA
Uh, we have a gentleman caller.

TV REPAIR MAN
Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the--

The door slams shut.

Back at home, Homer prepares for his NRA meeting.

HOMER
Ooh, the gun club's gonna be here any minute! (the doorbell rings) Oh! They're here. They're here!

MOE
Hiya, Homer. I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos. (picks one) I don't see what's wrong with this one. (eats it) Oh.

Marge and the kids arrive at the Sleep-Eazy motel. Some of the letters on the neon sign burn out, leaving "Sleazy motel" lit up. They walk past some prostitutes.

PROSTITUTE
Looking for a good time, sailor?

BART
I certainly am!

MARGE
(drags him inside) No you're not! (puts her head back round the door) He's really not.

Back at the NRA meeting.

MOE
And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

HOMER
Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies.

Homer holds a can of beer, and shoots the top off, opening it.

HOMER
Anyone else want a beer?

DR. HIBBERT
Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

HOMER
I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV.

Homer fires several shots at the TV. When he eventually turns it on, the picture simulates a man having just been shot.

AGNES SKINNER
I've never seen such recklessness!

LOUIE
You mighta hurt someone!

CLETUS
Are you some kind of moron?

HOMER
Yeah, but--

KRUSTY
Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

MOE
Your membership card, please, Homer. (he tears up Homer's card)

HOMER
Oh...

MOE
I'll also need to remove your tattoo (holds up a cheese grater)

HOMER
I didn't get one yet!

MOE
Rats.

DR. HIBBERT
Now, since you're no longer a member, please go outside until the meeting is over. (he chuckles)

Marge and the kids try to find their room at the motel. They pass a pool.

BART
Hey, we got a pool!

LISA
Can we go swimming, Mom?

A man is fishing a dead body out of the pool.

MARGE
Not right now, dear.

They enter the room.

BART
Wow! The TV's coin operated!

LISA
And so is the Bible!

It shuts on her. Bart picks up the phone.

BART
I'd like to order a wake up call please. Three a.m. For every room except this one. That's right. Goodnight! (he puts the phone down, and chuckles) Always love trying out new material on the road.

As Marge stares out of the window in despondency, Bart and Lisa race vibrating beds.

BART
No way are you gonna beat me, this time, Lis.

LISA
(voice shaking) Yes I am! Come on, spotty!

BART
(voice shaking) Come on, smelly!

Back at home, Homer turns all the lights off by shooting the bulbs out.

HOMER
Oh, this gun cost me everything - my wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious gun. (he shoots out the last light) This stinks. I want my family back!

At the motel, the kids are in bed.

BART
Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?

VOICE
No. Go back to sleep.

LISA
Mom! This bed is making me nauseous! Why won't it stop?

MARGE
Honey, it'll be morning soon, try to get some sleep.

The door suddenly opens. Marge holds up a piece of wood to defend herself. Mayor Quimby and a woman stand at the door.

QUIMBY
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night?

MARGE
Yes!

QUIMBY
All right. (starts to leave) Vote Quimby!

Homer arrives at the motel. He checks several rooms.

HOMER
Marge? (a man grumbles) Sorry. Marge? (a woman screams) Sorry. Marge?

QUIMBY
Vote Quimby.

HOMER
Sorry.

Marge calls to him from the other end of the motel.

MARGE
Homer!

HOMER
Oh, Marge! There's so many things I wanna yell to you!

MARGE
Come down here!!

HOMER
Okay!!

They talk in the motel room.

HOMER
Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome, and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!

MARGE
What about the gun?

HOMER
It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?

MARGE
Oh, Homie... (they hug) Come on, kids, we're going home!

The kids roll past on the vibrating bed.

BART & LISA
Yay!

The family are at the reception desk. Mayor Quimby gets some ice from the dispenser.

MOTEL CLERK
Okey-doke, here's your bill, and your continental breakfast.

He puts a fried egg into an envelope, and hands it to them. Suddenly, Snake bursts into the room and holds a knife to Mayor Quimby's neck.

SNAKE
All right, everybody, hands up! (indicating the clerk) You, give me the cash draw.

QUIMBY
Do what he says, I'm too rich to die!

Homer pulls out his gun.

HOMER
Freeze, bad guy!

Snake drops the knife and Mayor Quimby runs out.

QUIMBY
Vote Quimby!

SNAKE
Okay, man. Don't shoot, chill.

MARGE
Homer! You said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me - again!

HOMER
I know I said that. But what I secretly meant was--

SNAKE
(grabbing the gun) Yoink! Ho ho! Ha ha ha!

HOMER
The jokes on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing. (he hold up a box) Ha ha!

SNAKE
Yo! Give me the bullets!

HOMER
Okay, don't shoot!

He hands Snake the box. Just then, Moe, Agnes, Lenny, and Dr. Hibbert appear in the doorway, pointing guns at Snake.

ALL
Drop it!

Snake drops the gun, grabs some money off the clerk and runs off.

SNAKE
Bye!

MARGE
How did you know we were being robbed?

LENNY
The clerk here pressed the silent alarm and we picked it up on our scanners.

LISA
Did anybody stop that robber?

MOE
No, I don't think so.

Homer picks up the gun.

HOMER
I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again!

Marge takes the gun, and Homer and the kids leave. Marge steps on the pedal of a trash can, but seeing her reflection in the lid, decides she looks cool with the gun. She puts it in her purse and walks out, closing the door behind her.