[Verse 1: Choir]
The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 2: Choir, Angry husband]
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 3: Choir, Hungover man, Angry husband]
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 4: Choir, Exhausted man, Hungover man, Angry husband]
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 5: Choir, Exhausted man, Hungover man, Angry husband]
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree
[Verse 6: Choir, Nervous wife, Exhausted man, Hungover man, *Angry husband*]
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
*Rigging up these lights!*
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 7: Choir, Nervous wife's husband, Nervous wife, Exhausted man, *Hungover man*, **Angry husband**]
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
*Oh, geez!*
**I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!**
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 8: Choir, Kid, Nervous wife's husband, Exhausted man, *Hungover man*, **Angry husband**]
The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities, and whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
*Eh, could you get me a beer, huh?*
**What, we have no extension cords?!?**
And finding a Christmas tree
[Verse 9: Choir, Tired father, Kid, Nervous wife's husband, *Nervous wife*, **Exhausted man**, ***Hungover man***, ****Angry husband****]
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
*Facing my in-laws*
Five months of bills!
**Writing out those Christmas cards**
***Hangovers!***
****Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?****
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 10: Choir, Mother, Tired father, Kid, *Nervous wife's husband*, **Nervous wife**, ***Exhausted man***, ****Hungover man****, -Angry husband-]
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
*Get a job, ya bum!*
**Oh, facing my in-laws!**
Five months of bills!
***Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards***
****Oh, geez, look at this!****
-One light goes out, they all go out!!!-
And finding a Christmas tree

[Verse 11: Choir, Couch potato, Mother, Tired father, *Kid*, **Nervous wife's husband**, ***Nervous wife***, ****Exhausted man****, -Hungover man-, --Angry husband--]
The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
*DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!*
**Charities!**
***She's a witch...I hate her!***
Five months of bills!
****Oh, I don't even know half these people!****
-Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?-
--Get a flashlight, I blew a fuse!!--
And finding a Christmas tree
[Verse 12: Choir, Two men, Couch potato, Mother, *Tired father*, **Kid**, ***Nervous wife's husband***, ****Nervous wife****, -Exhausted man-, --Hungover man--, •Angry husband•]
The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
*No parking?!?*
**WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!**
***Charities!***
***Gotta make 'em dinner!****
Five months of bills!
-I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!-
--Shut up, you!--
•FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!•
And finding a Christmas tree