[SAM]
Kermit, let's begin
Describe the day you played Berlin

[CONSTANTINE]
We rehearsed and then we walked about
We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut

[JEAN PIERRE]
That night at 10 o' three
Were you inside the portrait gallery?

[CONSTANTINE]
From 10 o' clock 'til 10 o' four
Was when we did the show's encore

[SAM]
Hmm. Frog, we've got our doubts
Can you confirm your whereabouts?

[CONSTANTINE]
My alibi is watertight
The audience saw me sing all night

[JEAN PIERRE]
Monsieur, we know you did the crime
[CONSTANTINE]
I was onstage that whole time
Ask who sang Rainbow Connection!

[SAM and JEAN PIERRE]
Thank you, Kermit. No more questions

[JEAN PIERRE]
(spoken)
'Allo! I think it's time for Good Cop, Romantic Cop

(sung)
Miss Piggy, you cleaned up locked inside
Now's your chance to save your hide

[MISS PIGGY]
Gentlemen, I did not know
It's a crime to steal the show

[SAM]
Tell us how the art was taken

[JEAN PIERRE]
If you want to save your bacon

[MISS PIGGY]
I haven't seen your missing art
All I've stolen is audience hearts
[SAM]
We can give you a plea deal

[JEAN PIERRE]
All you have to do is squeal

[MISS PIGGY]
I'm not a thief, I don't know how!
All I've ever taken is a bow

[JEAN PIERRE]
We'll catch the swine that did this job

[MISS PIGGY]
Give up the pig puns, creep!
Go jump in a lake! That's my suggestion

[SAM and JEAN PIERRE]
Thank you, Piggy. No more questions

[JEAN PIERRE]
(spoken)
I think she likes me

[SAM]
(spoken)
I don't think your puns are helping the investigation
[JEAN PIERRE]
(spoken)
You know, uh...

(sung)
I think they did it

[SAM]
No they didn't

[JEAN PIERRE]
Yes they did and we can pin it

[SAM]
If they did, how did they do it?

[JEAN PIERRE]
If they didn't, how didn't they didn't?

[SAM]
If they didn't, then it's easy 'cause they simply didn't do it

[JEAN PIERRE]
If they did it, then I knew it
But we've nothing that can prove it!

(spoken)
Ahem... Excuse Me
Bring in the purple guy with the schnoz

[SAM]
(sung)
Do you remember what you did
That night you played Madrid?

[GONZO]
I was hit by a raging bull
And rushed off stage to the hospital

[JEAN PIERRE]
Gonzo, what do you know
About a sculpture theft at Madrid's Prado?

[GONZO]
I never saw the stolen bust
I spent the night in bed concussed

[SAM]
The truth, Gonzo. The clock is tickin'

[GONZO]
If you don't believe me, ask the chicken

[CAMILLA]
Bock Bock?

[GONZO]
Camilla was there. She'll cooperate

[JEAN PIERRE]
Madame, are you willing to corroborate?

[CAMILLA]
(clucking)

[SAM]
(spoken)
Will somebody get this chicken out of here?!

[GONZO]
Calm down, Camilla. It's a routine inspection

[SAM and JEAN PIERRE]
Thank you, Gonzo. No more questions

[JEAN PIERRE]
Let's go, from the start
What do you know about the stolen art?

[LEW ZEALAND]
I didn't know there was a plan

[DR. TEETH]
Your accusation's far out, man!

[BUNSEN]
Chances of us committing a crime
Are less than .009

[SWEDISH CHEF]
(mock Swedish)

[JEAN PIERRE]
To help with our investigation
Can you do a full translation?

[TRANSLATOR]
What the chef just said to you
Was "schnoop do schnoop do schnoo"
It's not Swedish

[ANIMAL]
Ah, ah, ah, ah!

[PENGUINS]
Wak, wak, wak, wak, wak...

[FOZZIE]
Uh... I can do an Elvis impression!

[SAM and JEAN PIERRE]
Thank you, Muppets. No more questions!

[JEAN PIERRE]
They didn't

[SAM]
No they didn't

[JEAN PIERRE]
There's no way they did a crime

[SAM]
They couldn't, they're too stupid

[JEAN PIERRE]
They're not criminal masterminds

[SAM]
We do not know who did it, but we know who didn't do it

[BOTH]
So we know who didn't do it
Yes, we know who didn't do it

[JEAN PIERRE]
(spoken)
They are incapable of being culpable