When my mother told me
"Don't forget your rain boots when it's wet"
I listened up just like a good, good little girl
And when she prudently suggested
I should lose the cigarette
I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I admit to you with trepidatious dread
Unfortunately there was some
That whizzed right through my ears
Oh where, where was my mind when mother said:

Avoid naval-contemplating, floppy-haired actors
Originally from Baltimore
Who excel at mime, still play Stratego
And have issues with their mom
Sure, at first, they're very charming
Their attention is disarming
But give attention in return and, dear
They'll drop you like a bomb
Yes, do avoid REO-Speedwagon-loving
Christopher-Walken-imitating thespians
Originally from Baltimore
Who can't piss unless their shrink says it's okay
Why let them break your heart, dear?
Put your head on and be smart, dear
Put some bug spray on and make them go away
When my daddy told me
"Look both ways before you cross the street"
I took his words to heart, and I complied
And when he told me
"Be yourself," and I should march to my own beat
I did, and found the truth was bonafide
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I have to say, I am a bit surprised
I missed the best advice that daddy trumpeted my way
Oh where, where was my mind when he advised:

Avoid narcissistic, alcoholic
Think they're French, but they're not, waiters
Originally from Baltimore
Who deflower you
Carry a copy of Fountainhead in their pocket
And lie about their age
Sure, at first, their eyes look steely
And their words are touchy-feely
Have them cheat upon you twice
And my advice is more than sage
Yes, do steer clear of Renaissance-festival-loving
Food service consultants originally from Baltimore
Who say they danced with NYC Ballet
But are really an administrative intern
For it's clear upon reflection, if you give him your affection
You will understand the concept, "Crash and Burn"
The singles world out there can be a scary land
I have to ask: Is it me, or is it Maryland?

So, if you can possibly avoid it
Don't fall in love, or lust, or have crushes
On boys from Baltimore
Though, at first, they seem chock-full of style and class
Sure, Cal Ripken's charm is actual
But he's married, and it's factual
Pimlico is not the only place you'll find a horse's ass
Yes, at all costs, avoid
Ridiculous, though amusing, experiences
Cultivated in Baltimore
Barry Levenson, I mean no disrespect
If you have to go to Baltimore
And meet boys, do not marry 'em
Although, it's true, I hear
That they've got quite a nice aquarium
Ladies, take your hearts, and run
As fast as little legs can carry 'em
From Baltimore

There are better boys in Boise
Boys in Boise always call
You'll have better luck in Jersey
Or St. Paul—well, not St. Paul
But, no matter where life takes you
It just makes no sense to fall
In Baltimore
Hey, where you from?
Silver Spring? Oh...