12. Dispense

There are no more days I care to see, I'm just so tired & sick....I need eternal rest....

Depressed a mess still
Someone brought me to life inside again then they brutally killed
Everything's the same in the burning flames
Can't pass or thrash the pain, can't turn the page
Life's a bad dream yeah so it's time to break up the pain with lead to my brain
What I feel is formidable your lies are unforgivable
You'll be terrified seeing the psycho inside
Wrapped & trapped in tight with no release
& it's making me a monster when I want & need peace
Every decision I make seems to dull I'm full of exhaustion every time dawn hits
I think how far goals reach till somethin' stops it
Hope, love, faith, & belief I lost it
Death is a high curiosity I feel it's worth a try
I'm fading away staying alive

(Chorus)
No reason no belief
All treason no relief
No more pain 'cause I am no more
Everything abandoned me but can't no more

Time after time I push on but why?
I don't feel a damn change as I walk in the light
There's a demon inside that I must rid
So, here I am again gun to my chin
Questions for solutions like "how" "why" & "when"
I been having this thought I don't know long it's been
There is no more agony that I can bare
Decadence inside me & it's filling up faster
An endless chapter for a hopeless bastard
I shall finally end all of hate's fuckin' laughter
I'm so tired of my efforts goin' nowhere in use
I think it's time for me to just light the damn fuse
Abuse is all I seem to be rewarded for holdin' more of a reason to be forever sleeping 6 deep in
How can I can hold on to something I lost?
I feel nailed to the cross as blood pours long
I don't need hallucinogenics to drag me down
I'd rather hit rock bottom with a crashing sound
Do not think I'm suggesting you to follow
It's personal & I say fuck tomorrow
I'm sorry I am for making your life somber
It's aright, blame me for making it longer
I mean that I do but I'm done feeling worthless
I belong dead I fuckin' deserve it
You should of valued every aching moment when I was here
Years of the clouding, now my sky clears
Headache from head to toe burning up my soul
I got nothing else to turn to 'cept a bullet hole
Maybe I'll catch up with my friends & my mom
So, she can slap around a failure & tell me I was wrong
Life is killing me, I'm ending the suffering
My gift to the world turned out to be nothing
I tried to be recognized but the world lives blind
They were afraid to look in my eyes
Those that turned their back on me do not cry
You & I both know your care is a lie
People at my funeral pretending like they're missing me
Now you wish I was here, before you were dissing me
I can finally find out myself what's on the other side
Satan? God? I been waiting long
I got bashed an lied to all my life
Even the truest I thought would never hit me with that knife but they did
& I can't let it go, now I can't change my mind
This is what I chose

[Sigh] Shit....fuck it!