[Intro: Mike Skinner]
Using the following, I'm going to show you:
A– How to con someone using their own greed;
B– That you won't feel bad 'cause they're trying to con you anyway; and
C– Taking their money!

[Refrain: Mike Skinner]
As I have come to realise
Running the beats is just getting people's confidence

[Verse 1: Mike Skinner]
This scam only works 'cause that man
Thinks he's working this scam
And that you, man, are his mark
Get your mate, let's call your mate Piers
No, not Piers, let's call him Farquhar
Anyway, get Farquhar to crawl into a bar with his dog
Like I said, the barman will try and con you later
But you're gonna take all his money
Anyway, you get Farquhar to pass into a local bar
And call to the bar to look after a dog for a dart
Just for 20 quid for a while, claiming that he hated it
But it was worth more than his car
This, by the way, requires that you find and supply Farquhar
With an animal, and a life, from your local park
Get a nice dog that doesn't bark
But not so nice that someone might miss this mutt from the park
Anyway, using this technique
You're gonna take all this man's money
But you're not gonna care, cause he's gonna fucking deserve it
[Chorus: Mike Skinner & Ny]
You'll never con an Honest John
An Honest John you can't drag down (Exactly!)
Con-do-lee get conned
When they think they're the cunning one (It's all one big con)
Neighbour, you won't con an Honest John

[Verse 2: Mike Skinner]
Right, now listen, get Farquhar to dart out the bar
And just shop for some garms, maybe
Just to pass an hour or so
I would go shopping 'cause I gave up drinking
But whatever, just have Farquhar down the road
Now you walk in the bar, walk up to the barman
Order a jar, when you've caught him slouched on his own
Start eyeing the dog that he's minding by his side
Currently vibe him and then start on about the dog you own
Start asking the barman if it's his fine specimen of a dog
Nod, smile, agree, look interested and cool
When he tells you it's someone else's, you've just left previous
Tell him, "This is a very rare breed of animal"
Last time I lied, my manager swiped me
But lie, and tell him it's like a fucking Red-Eared Hunting Spaniel
Tell him it's worth 600 quid and you would pay handsomely
If he were to accept finance at all
[Chorus: Mike Skinner & Ny]
You'll never con an Honest John (Sometimes...)
An Honest John you can't drag down
(Sometimes I think I should just go completely...)
Con-do-lee get conned
When they think they're the cunning one
Neighbour, you won't con an Honest John
(Keep listening though, it's important that you keep listening)

[Verse 3: Mike Skinner]
Now take all his shopping off him
Get your mate Farquhar to pop in
Looking straight gutted a bit later on
He should order a jar, talk at the bar
Ensure he looks calm, warm with the barman
And generally start conversating on
Farquhar should start falling apart
About how he's arsed up some chance
And how arsed up his day was
Or in the event, the spread betting, he's getting ready to accept
That his rent's not getting payed up
The barman's mind will chime slowly for a while
He might wipe the bar as his mind is making sums
Farquhar should continue to moan about money
And that this mutt is not the greatest of his worries
And like "Ching!", the barman will five out of six times
Kindly offer his greed to buy the dog for a price of 300 quid
And after some bartering
Your barman will haggle and charge harder
In greed of the scent of the scheme in his head
(That's right, neighbour!)
[Chorus: Mike Skinner & Ny]
You'll never con an Honest John
An Honest John you can't drag down
Con-do-lee get conned
When they think they're the cunning one
(The barman is gonna see how much he can stitch you up for)
Neighbour, you won't con an Honest John

[Verse 4: Mike Skinner]
How does that work?
'Cause every time it's based around someone
Who thinks they're conning you
They'll never imagine the whole scenario is prepared solely for him
Why should he? That sort of paranoia can get you in the loony bin

[Refrain: Mike Skinner]
As I have come to realise
Running the beats is just getting people's confidence
And then taking their money

[Outro: Mike Skinner]
It's all one big con