[Verse 1]
Everyone knows marijuana's dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
That's why it's so hard in California
To get your weed card, unless something's really wrong

Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
It's a long shot but I gotta try
He hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify

Can't believe what I am reading
This is just what I've been needing
A government supply
To get legally high

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

[Verse 2: Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci]
You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety (Fucked up, gonna get fucked up)
Propensity for drugs or alcohol, anorexia or obesity (Fucked up, gonna get fucked up)
Too fat, too thin, either way you win
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness, st-t-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay (Fucked up, gonna get fucked up)
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness, impotence or TMJ (Fucked up, gonna get fucked up)
[Both]
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or your motherfucking Tourette's
It's a dream come true
There's nothing pot can't do

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

[Bridge]
Break it down now!
Got back pain, need Mary Jane
Can't handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomachache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need THC
Get fucked up for your hyperhidrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis

It's not a crime, it's 420 time

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription