Sports go sports!

I promise I really totally care who wins
If there's a net or hoop or hole in the ground, I hope they get it in
If they want to go to all the bases, I hope they do
If they're supposed to run past a line or whatever, I hope they do that, too

Sports go sports!

May they top their opponents numerically in the allotted time
Lest they disenfranchise their audience
And see their revenues decline

May the partakers be sturdy and rapid
In the spirited energies they exert
May they be victorious in perpetuity
Don't I look cute in this football shirt?

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!

This is the most important thing that's ever occurred
The vicarious fulfillment of your dream that got deferred
You had aspirations as a kid, but you didn't have the skill
So you watch genetically superior people do the things you never will
Sports go sports!

May the competitors you prefer
Best their opposing equivalents
So you can somehow feel connected to the feat
Of your self-appointed constituents
May the hours you spend watching post-match pontificators
Amplify the thrill of being a witness
And better your predictive aptitude
For your squad's future physical fitness

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!

Watching able-bodied millionaires play with each other
Watching less agile millionaire talk about it on TV
May they compile copious points
So they are rewarded and meritorious
So you feel temporarily, adjacently victorious

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!
Every other word!

Sports!
Sports!
Are, one!
Are!
Go! Yeah!

Every other, other word!

Go!
Athletics, number!
Participants, heroes!
Team!

Now in Latin!

Ludis ire ludis
Arcu sunt optimum
Participants sunt heroes
Ire quadrigus sic

Now the truth!

If you could only throw a ball
You'd have a hotter wife
Lots and lots of money
And a way better life
And a way better life
Go sports!