[Verse 1]
If you're ever wondering if I'm wondering how you are, I'm not
And if you're wondering why you never got a Christmas card from me, I forgot
And if you're wondering how much I hate your year end letter, a lot

[Bridge]
I read the monotonous rambling piece of drivel you sent this year
And the reason we haven't talked in the last 12 months is clear

[Verse 2]
How wonderful to know your cat is finally eating solid food again (Fancy Feast indeed)
And how adorable he wandered down the block and found a little kitty friend (his name is Patches)
Thank God Jodi finally got her braces, wow, what a pain (you know how teenagers are)
And to know that Doug likes math work is excitement I can't contain (I could go off on a tangent)
Get it?

[Pre-Chorus]
You're right, your family's better than me
And it seems you make a lot more money
You put your long-winded rattling in a Christmas design
And the puns you use are so, so funny

[Chorus]
You tell me everything in your year end letter
You pour out in your year end letter
Yet you're boring in your year end letter this year
You're just as boring as last year
[Verse 3]
I'm relieved to know your condo in Hawaii (?) (aloha, fungi)
And astonishing to learn that your azaleas even grew in the cold (Mother Nature, you so crazy)
A formal letter is the perfect place to announce your divorce (Sorry Charlie left you)
Do I want a detailed description of your passing kidney stones, well, of course (I'm gonna go throw up now)

[Pre-Chorus]
You're right, your year was better than me
You could never emphasize that too much
You wrapped up so much wisdom in a Christmas design
And that quote from Gandhi was a nice touch

[Chorus]
You tell me everything in your year end letter
You spilled your guts out in your year end letter
Yet you're boring in your year end letter this year
You're just as boring as last year

[Outro]
So if you're ever wondering why our friendship isn't better
Just reread your letter