Everyone once in a while you meet a special kind man
A needle in a haystack, a diamond in a pile of shit
A man who’s never written music but thinks he can
A republican crypto currency guy like Dan

Thank you, digital accountant Dan
For explaining how to write a song
I wouldn’t have known to choose a topic
Before you, you, Dan, you came along

Thanks for telling me to write down my thoughts
And send them all to you
So you can make sure it doesn’t offend
The conservative point of view

You say it’s time to pop my liberal bubble
And reach across the aisle
Find levity in relatable things
That can make the red and blue states smile

Because comedy should be inclusive
And connect with the other half
It should make us all feel comfortable
So both sides can laugh

Well, I’m going to take your advice, computer Dan
And write something bipartisan
So here’s my song
Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you’re stuck in traffic
Now I’m late for my big meeting
Don’t you hate it when you’re conservative and your inlaws are here
Oh brother what’s your mother gonna say
Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and you lose your glasses
How can I find my glasses without my glasses
Or when you’re a conservative and your gun control policies enable constant, senseless, devastating mass shootings
Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh
Hahahahahahaha

We’re really not that different
We should come together as one
With easy, pleasing, breezy jokes
You know comedy can just be fun

So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

Don’t you hate it when you’re liberal and a song’s in your head
Maureen I’m not a theater person
Or when you’re conservative and your podcast won’t load
It’ll only play an ad from blue apron
Don’t you hate when you’re liberal and you can’t stop crying
Boo hoo I want civil rights
Or when you’re conservative and your pussy grabbing liar threatens nuclear annihilation on twitter
Isn’t it great when both sides can laugh
Hahahahahahaha
In this time of political turmoil
I should ignore it and be polite
It’s more comfortable for all of us
If I don’t pick between left and wrong

So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

If I want a ceasefire to transpire
Stop preaching to the whining lefty choir
Embrace the climate change denier
Give every joke a qualifier

With harmless, responsible comedy
Where we all feel good about our choices
That recognizes everyone
As equally valid political voices

Comedians should be on the medians
And put a premium on obedience
Be through with mental acuity
Find unity through ambiguity

All this complaining and exaggerating
Is actually just exacerbating
The futility and hypocrisy
Of the left wing aristocracy
Let go of the same old blue shtick
Stop trying to skew shit
I sound like a mouthy shrew chick
Acoustic music isn’t psychotherapeutic

I need to get a clue quick
If I want to accrue new YouTube clicks
Subdue this taboo shit I spew
Find a new, more palatable point of view

Well you underestimated me
Cause I don’t look like the enemy
My tentacles are venom-y
A musical comedy sea anemone

But I should say it’s okay
That no matter the cost, you want your little pistol
And it’s fine that voted for Voldemort
As long as your reasons were purely fiscal
Oh, you’re just greedy, I didn’t realize, that’s fine

So let’s all get together
And embrace the other half
With this song
Where both sides can laugh

What do you think, Dan, how did I do
I can’t believe I used to write songs that had point of view
Being general’s always better for comedy it’s true
Thank god for you, Dan, thank only Christian god for you