[Verse 1]
Hey honey have you gained some weight in your rear-end?
That dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes? I think they're pretty lame
Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game

[Chorus]
If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife

[Verse 2]
I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday
I didn't ask you 'cause I knew it'd be okay
Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show
I taped it over our old wedding video

[Chorus]
If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife

[Verse 3]
Your cooking is okay but not like mother makes
The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake
Your eyes look puffy, dear, are you feeling ill?
Happy anniversary, I bought you a treadmill
[Chorus]
If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
If you're a man who doesn't want to get killed with a knife
These are the things you don't say to your wife