(spoken)

[MAN 1]
Man, how long this train gonna take?

[MAN 2]
It says the next one arrives in "forget about it," pff, I love this new mayor

[MAN 1]
I'm starving, yo, newsstand guy, let me get a Snickers and a bag of chips

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
I'll get you the closest thing, an Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts

[MAN 1]
They still make Oh Henry! bars?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, and what does he want?

[MAN 2]
Oh, nothing from you, I'm gonna go buy a churro

[MAN 1]
You're buying a what?
[MAN 2]
A churro, they smell delicious and that's saying a lot considering I have active covid

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
You're sure you want a churro, an unwrapped churro from a woman pushing a laundry cart, who's holding it in her bare hands with a Starbucks napkin?

[MAN 2]
Look, I'm a grown drunk man and I want a churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Very well then, thе dye is cast, oh, mole person, why don't you tеll this gentleman what happens when you eat a churro from the subway?

[to the tune of "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific]

[MOLE PERSON]
Some disgusting evening
You will buy a churro
A loose unpackaged churro
And then your butt will bleed
And somehow you'll know
As soon as you chew
That an hour before you
A rat bit it too

(spoken)
[MAN 1]
Wait a second, mole people are real?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Of course, they're real, imagine how great that would be to live off the grid, no more endless texts or emails

[MAN 2]
What?

[to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof]

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
If I were a mole man
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum
All day long I'd drink a shoe of rum
If I were a mole person
We'd never have to work
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum

[MOLE PERSON]
I used to drive an Amazon van
Living in a hole is such a better plan

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Now you feast on old, discarded ham
[NEWSSTAND GUY & MOLE PERSON]
If I were a filthy mole man

(spoken)

[MAN 2]
Oh, wow, was that the actual cast of Fiddler?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, it's just a lunch break at B&H Photo

[MAN 1]
Oh my God, there's a woman on the tracks

[MAN 2]
Is that a ghost?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
No, she was just fired from Sleep No More, now she wanders the tunnels

[MAN 1]
Is she okay?

[FIRED WOMAN]
Oh, I'm more than okay

[to the tune of "Bali Ha'i" from South Pacific]

I am high on bath salts
Every night, every day
In my mind, you three are demons
If you touch me I eat your face

(spoken)

[MAN 1]
Woah, this is crazy

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
I know, it's like are you even allowed to do South Pacific anymore?

[FIRED WOMAN]
Wait, can you tell me where in the city we are?

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Oh, the worst part

[to the tune of "Skid Row (Downtown)" from Little Shop of Horrors]

[ALL]
We're in midtown

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Where there's no food at night

[ALL]
You're in midtown

[MOLE PERSON]
Where police horses fight

[ALL]
You're in midtown
Where the traffic lights are for show
The land of finance bros

(spoken)

[MAN 2]
Hey look, the subway train's making its way into the station and it's got something for everyone

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Did he have a lisp earlier?

[to the tune of "The Wells Fargo Wagon" from The Music Man]

[ALL]
Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks
So please, let it stop for me
Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks

[MAN 2]
It's called the F because it's effing me

[FIRED WOMAN]
I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
In March I got airborne HPV

[CHURRO WOMAN]
Once I sat directly on the needle

[MOLE PERSON]
Our new mayor said he fixed it but I just got stabbed

(spoken)

[STABBER]
Giuliani says hello

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR]
Uh, this is the F train, running on the Q tracks, skipping random stations when I feel like it

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
But wait, this train is empty except for one guy in a trenchcoat

[GUY IN A TRENCHCOAT]
That's right, I cleared everyone out, you see

[to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain" from Singin' In The Rain]

I'm fapping on the train
Just fapping on the train
What a glorious feeling
I'm naked under here

(spoken)

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
Conductor, can't you just close the doors?

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR]
I would if Evan Hansen would move his backpack

[to the tune of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls]

[EVAN HANSEN]
And I am telling you
I'm not moving my backpack

(spoken)

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
That's from a different musical with Jennifer Hudson

[EVAN HANSEN]
Stop bullying me!

[FIRED WOMAN]
I gotta get that guy on bath salts

[NEWSSTAND GUY]
And look out on the floor of the train there's also a puddle of unidentifiable origin

[to the tune of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Misérables]

[PUDDLE]
I am the liquid on the floor
Am I pee or Mountain Dew?
Don't worry I'm flowing towards the door
Just kidding I'm gonna touch your shoe

(spoken)

[GUARDIAN ANGELS]
Stop right there

[MAN 2]
Emily in Paris?

[GUARDIAN ANGELS]
No, we're the guardian angels and if you're looking for a fight you're gonna go through us, easy

[JESUS]
Oh, really? I'm possibly the real Jesus Christ, wearing my famous New York Islanders beer helmet and if you want this subway you'll have to kill me again first

[MOLE PERSON]
Oh my God, it's all happening

[JESUS]
Just as the oracle predicted

[to the tune of "Superstar" from Jesus Christ Superstar]

[ALL]
Jesus Christ on the subway car
The helmet doesn't track with what we know so far
Jesus Christ wearing Crocs
Why does she have a spider in a box
Jesus Christ, she's pretty drunk
[?] and churros for everyone
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Feasting on churros in paradise
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ