So now I'm asleep, though. I'm legitimately out cold. They have a nurse in my room to make sure I stay asleep. She's sitting in a chair next to a bedside table. I'm asleep in the bed. My phone is face up on the bedside table next to her.

Now, at this exact same time, about 7:00 p.m., my good friend Pete Davidson starts calling me. Pete... Yes, that one. Pete... was not at my intervention 'cause he was travelling that night, but now he's landed, he's found out I'm in rehab, and he's concerned.

So he starts calling. Fun fact about Pete. He changes his cellphone number constantly. I don't know why. That's his journey. Every month and a half I get a text from Pete, and it says, "Yo, it's Pete. New number." And I go, "Send a pic to prove it." And he sends a photo like this. Then I save him in my phone. For a long time, I just kept saving him again and again as Pete Davidson. At one point, I had nine Pete Davidsons saved in my phone. And that's too many Pete Davidsons.

So... I started to save him under fake famous people's names just to mix it up. Like, for a while he was saved in my phone as Rodney Dangerfield. The week I went to rehab, he was saved in my phone as Al Pacino.

So, I'm asleep in bed. A nurse is watching over me. My phone is next to the nurse. And Pete Davidson starts calling again and again and again. But what the nurse sees on the phone... is that this unconscious patient is getting, not one, not two, but five missed calls from Oscar winner... Al Pacino. So... she fuckin' wakes me up. I don't blame her. I would've been so curious.

She wakes... I wake up and she's shaking me going, "You're getting a phone call." I was so groggy, I was like... I roll over. I'm so exhausted. I look at the phone. I see that it says, "Call from Al Pacino." I know that that means call from Pete Davidson. But I don't explain this complex code to the nurse. I just take the call in front of her. I go, "Hello? Oh, dog. I'm not doing that well. Oh, yeah, no one's going to blame you."

Now... I said that last part because some people suggested that he and I did drugs together because he has tattoos... and I am plain. We must be up to witchcraft.

I've never done drugs with Pete. He's always been very supportive of my sobriety. So that's the conversation I'm having with Pete.

But the conversation that the nurse thinks is happening... It delights me to this day. "Hello..." "Johnny! It's Al. My little boy blue. I heard your ass is in rehab. How you doing, dog?" "Oh, dog. I'm not doing that well." "Oh! My little freckle juice. Reason I'm calling you five times... I think I'm going to get blamed for this. Yeah, I'm getting suspicious that when the American public hears about the drug relapse of John Mulaney, they will logically... and immediately name... only one culprit. And that is myself! Seventy-nine year old... Oscar winner, Al Pacino! Pacino from the Italian. 'Pa' meaning Daddy, and 'Chino, ' meaning khaki pants. They're going to blame Daddy khaki pants." "This line has been compromised."