[MICHAEL]
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!
You are all jerks! Just kidding! Not yet anyway.
Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you are here for the Kowalski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So we all know how these work, needs to get crazy. Take your best shots. I am going to sit right over "chair" and, uh, whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may.

(ANGELA approaches the stage)

Uh... okay. Lower the mic for the midget.

[ANGELA]
If you ever wondered if you are Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott.

(aside)
I normally don't enjoy making people laugh.

[ANGELA]
If you ever called the fire department, 'cause your head was stuck in your chair, you might be-

[ALL]
Michael Scott!

[MICHAEL]
Hey, hey! I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers.
(laughs)

(KELLY is on the stage)
[KELLY]
I made a list of people I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott.
A turtle, A fridge, anybody from the warehouse

[WAREHOUSE PEOPLE]
Yeah!

[KELLY]
A woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, happy birthday, Michael!

[MICHAEL]
Yeah. You'd be so lucky! Good one.

(MEREDITH is on the stage)

[MEREDITH]
Michael, you ran over me with your car-

(cymbals crash)

You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a captain that said 'gross'

[MICHAEL]
Well-

[MEREDITH]
Michael, you are the reason I drink, you are the reason I live to forget.
(OSCAR is on the stage)

[OCSAR]
(yelling in Spanish)

(aside)
It wasn't hard. I just wrote down some of the stuff that I usually yell on my car ride home.

(TOBY approaches the stage)

[MICHAEL]
No! Friends only! Friends only!

(TOBY retreats)

(JIM is on the stage)

[JIM]
Several times a day, Michael says words that are waaay out of my vocabulary.

[MICHAEL]
I know where this is going!

[JIM]
Do you?
[MICHAEL]
No.

[JIM]
Okay. Remember spider face?

[MICHAEL]
Nope.

[JIM]
Okay. 'Cause the quote was "cut off your nose to spider face."

[MICHAEL]
Spider- okay

(cheers)

(DWIGHT is on the stage)

[DWIGHT]
How dare you all attack him like this?

[MICHAEL]
Oh, stop it, Dwight

[DWIGHT]
Michael is your superior.

[MICHAEL]
Oh, no no no

[DWIGHT]
You should be bowing down in front of him!

[MICHAEL]
Dwight, you're supposed to do it this way.

[DWIGHT]
No, they don't understand right now.

[MICHAEL]
That is the way you're supposed to do it, Idiot.

[DWIGHT]
You are interrupting me. I am trying to get your back.

[MICHAEL]
Idiot, Idiot, Idiot

[DWIGHT]
Are you calling me an idiot?

[MICHAEL]
Idiot.

[DWIGHT]
Don't ever talk to me that way, you pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

(cheers)

(PAM is on the stage)

[PAM]
Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.

(laughter)

He's supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.

(laughter)

[MICHAEL]
Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right?

[PAM]
Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself- ever.

(laughter)

[DWIGHT]
Haha!

[PAM]
And one time, I walked in on him naked. And his thing is so small.

[ALL]
Woah!

[KEVIN]
Ouch. How small is it?

[PAM]
If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.

[ALL]
Oh!

[MICHAEL]
Uh, can I just make a little announcement? In a professional roast, usually, the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. Something about how much they love about them. So, just keep that in mind.

(DARRYL is on the stage)

[DARRYL]
Mike claims we're all a family.

[MICHAEL]
We are!

[DARRYL]
Isn't that right?

[MICHAEL]
We are, we are a family!

[DARRYL]
Oh, okay. So um... What's his name? All the way in the back there?

[MICHAEL]
Oh, very funny. Mmm.

[DARRYL]
What's his name?

[MICHAEL]
Uhh... (laughs) I'm thinking Roy.

[DARRYL]
Roy left years ago. What's his name?

[MICHAEL]
I don't believe I have had the pleasure.

[WAREHOUSE MICHAEL]
Michael, I gave you a ride home last week, and we spent an hour in traffic.

[DARRYL]
What's his name?

[MICHAEL]
Jefferson.

[DARRYL]
Nope. His name is Michael.

(cymbals crash)

(ANDY is on the stage)

[ANDY, playing to the tune of "What I Like About You"]
What I hate about you
You really suck as a boss
You're the losiest, jerkiest,
And you're dumber than applesauce
We're stuck listening to you all day
Stanley tried to die just to get away
Well it's true

[ALL]
That's what I hate about you
That's what I hate about you

[ANDY]
You! Yeah!

(Cheers)

And now, a man who deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.

(light booing)

[MICHAEL]
Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. Great job, some great laughs. Really... Really went after my intelligence there. (clears throat.) Dozens of IQ tests might prove you wrong, but... And my thing isn't tiny. It's average, so... Get your facts straight. (clears throat.) So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought-- (clears throat.) Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... (sighs) I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. Um... First up, uh, Phyllis and Kevin. (clears throat.) (knocks over drum and leaves)