[Chorus]
I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five'll get you ten
I betcha never seen one

[Verse 1]
Well I'm a seven inch cowboy, how do you be?
And I'm used to people gawkin' and a-starin' at me
But I wasn't always so goldarn wee
Let me tell you my story, you can listen for free
For seven long years - now that's a year for every inch I stand -
I've traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
I'm at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top

[Verse 2]
I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I came to was like a terrible dream
Other cowboys a-mocked me and spit tobacca like meteors
Watchin' me dodge 'em and laughin' at my small squeaky scream
I went to a saloon to get a drink, they wouldn't serve me
They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
They sang a song both cold and mean cause that's how women are
[Pre-Chorus]
They sang a man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts and there you are

[Chorus]
And I'm a seven-inch cowboy
(Ooh)
With a tiny pair of six guns
(Ooh)
Five'll get you ten
(Ooh)
I betcha never seen one
(Ooh)

[Post-Chorus]
Ah-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo
Ah-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo

[Verse 3]
Now as you can imagine, I'd grown pretty bitter
Although that's the only way in which I had grown
And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I'd ever known
The mad Professor Mintley was his name and I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up and I told him, "Lookee here
You made me this way, it's time to pay you goldarn queer"
And the professor said, "Wait
Wait!"

[Verse 4]
"Now you know me and I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
It's less like a pastime and more like a job
Why, if I didn't do it, I'd be an unemployed slob
Now I know that won't suffice, I find, to set you at ease
But I'm thinking fast as I can for a man who's down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, here's what I thunk, I thought
'Where would you be today if you hadn't been shrunk?'"

[Verse 5]
"Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men
Nothing to set you apart, nor would there ever have been
Then I came along, yes me, Professor Mintly
I gave you a gift, though you ungrateful evidently
I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
You're a seven inch cowboy, not a six foot freak

[Verse 6]
From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
You'll be diminutive in stature but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side"
Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mintley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said ‘em cause he was scared
My guns were weighing heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow
[Pre-Chorus]
Well my pop told me it don't matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straits and misty archipelagoes
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size don't really count and there you are
You're still a man however big you are

[Chorus]
And I'm a seven-inch cowboy
(Seven inches tall)
With a tiny pair of six guns
(Tiny, damn small)
Five'll get you ten
(For all you bettin' men)
You'll never see another one
(Hmph, yeah)

[Outro]
I guess Professor Mintley had a point although I shot him anyway
There's never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
Well I thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood
(Hollywood!)
Hollywood
(Hollywood!)
Hollywood here I come