Oh, I want to tell ya of a friend of mine, she's always ill
She always thought she had a sort of serious complaint
Whatever the remedy was
She always took a dose
For to cure her ill, she bought some pills
And bought them by the gross

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt
The pain in her diddly push
A comical vest to save her chest
From common cold or the cush
She drank quinine and spirits of wine
To cure the pip-i-dy pop
Till she became a what's-the-name
A travelling doctor's shop (Yeoo!)

Well, she thought she had the measles
And the stankers and the aches
And varicose veins and arteries' lames
And sure there's no mistake
Shivers and shakes and pains and aches
From her head down to her toes
And a multitude of handkerchiefs
To stop her runny nose
[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt
The pain in her diddly push
A comical vest to save her chest
From common cold or the cush
She drank quinine and spirits of wine
To cure the pip-i-dy pop
Till she became a what's-the-name
A travelling doctor's shop

Well she had a face which was a disgrace
To humanity that's for sure
And a big long nose which I suppose
Just seemed to grow and grow
Little beady eyes, I tell no lies
The ugliest woman I've seen
You think that's bad or maybe sad
A nightmare not a dream

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt
The pain in her diddly push
A comical vest to save her chest
From common cold or the cush
She drank quinine and spirits of wine
To cure the pip-i-dy pop
Till she became a what's-the-name
A travelling doctor's shop
Well, she used to wear a nose machine
Whenever she went to bed
And tied herself to the window frame
In case they'd find her dead
And foreign influenz-ia would scare her heart to death
She greased her hair and tinned some air
For what, we don't know yet

[Chorus]
And she wore a belt whenever she felt
The pain in her diddly push
A comical vest to save her chest
From common cold or the cush
She drank quinine and spirits of wine
To cure the pip-i-dy pop
Till she became a what's-the-name
A travelling doctor's shop