Hey, Dad, I've been floating down the river
To the place you retired to
Away from the women who despise you
I've been sad, 'cause all my friends resent me
But I got a plan for a miracle!
I'll shit it out and put it on the table

Dear Son, should I be a proud one?
I saw what you said on the telly
You made your mother sound so silly
How is my offspring so pretentious?
Your art is lazy, trite and schlocky
I should've sent you out for hockey