[Verse 1]
The other day, I took a walk because the air was sweet
And I passed the crusty house
Of a curmudgeon on my street
Now, every town has got one
So I'm sure you'll understand
When I tell you this old bastard is a mean and bitter man
Now, this day, it was special, I was wearin' my new hat
The old curmudgeon saw this, and he disapproved of that
He said, "I've had one just like it for ten years You ripped me off!
You got no right to wear a hat like mine, so take it off!"
Now as it happens, I'm a gentleman, so I approached his porch
I told him, "Great minds think alike, and you have one, of course!
So, how about I just tip my hat to you when I come through?"
He reached down for his gun and said, "I'll shoot you if you do!"

[Chorus]
And I said "No one's gonna cry at your funeral
No one's gonna drink at your wake
No one's gonna sigh with a tear in their eye
'Cause no one's gonna miss you, when you're dead."

[Verse 2]
The next day, I forgot this whole damned mess and went to town
And there, I saw a hundred or so posters all around
And on them was my face, and I was wearing my new hat
And they read, "This guy ripped me off, I've got one just like that!"
I took a walk down to his house to see if I could find
A way to show him that we're kindred spirits of the mind
I said, "I didn't make these hats, nor did you, of course
And hey, we both love Johnny Cash!"
He said, "Get off my porch!"
[Chorus]
And I said, "No one's gonna cry at your funeral
No one's gonna drink at your wake
No one's gonna sigh with a tear in their eye
'Cause no one's gonna miss you, when you're dead."

[Bridge]
When you look back on your life, what will you see?
Did you spend your time mending fences, or planting mines?
There's no shortage of potential enemies
So don't waste so mush time, pushing away your kind

[Verse 3]
I thought I must be stupid, or just crazy from the heat
When I went down to the house of that curmudgeon on my street
Maybe it was foolish to go to his house again
Just to show this crazy drunken fool he had a friend
When I got there, much to my surprise, he wasn't there
He was gone, as was his shotgun, and his rocking chair
I asked the neighbor lady, who was laying on her lawn
"What happened to that mean old man?"
She shrugged and that was all

[Chorus]
And I said, "No one's gonna cry at your funeral
No one's gonna drink at your wake
No one's gonna sigh with a tear in their eye
'Cause no one's gonna miss you
Hell, no one's gonna notice
And I'll enjoy the silence...
When you're dead."