Hi, I’m the Rap Critic. And…say, what song are we reviewing this week? That Power? By Childish Gambino? Oh my god, I love that song! –music video starts- I didn’t know it had a music video for it! Well this is awesome, ‘cause I’ve wanted to talk about the depth of this song, but it didn’t have a video, so you know, I… -sees a cube being put on the floor in the video- This doesn’t sound like…

And ohhhhhhhhhh-

And I don’t remember Justin Bieber being in it. -a cover of the single is shown.- Oh, so there’s another song called That Power. And…wait, there’s a hashtag in the title? In the legal, copywritten name of the song, there’s a hashtag in it. Oh yeah, I’ve heard this song on the radio before. But this song isn’t about Twitter, and he doesn’t bring up the hashtag at any point. This song has nothing to do with the internet at all!

Think about that for a second. He called his song #thatPower for the sole purpose of desperately trying to get his song to trend on Twitter. You…shameless…whore! First you use your Scream and Shout video as nothing more than a four minute ad for your useless hipster iPhone add-ons without even a hint of subtlety, and now selling the very title of your song for a few trending stats on a social media website? Geez, what’s next! I’m surprised the name of your full album isn’t “#WillPower: Brought to you by the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola.” The complete absence of anything actually Twitter related can only lead me to believe that this was nothing more than a lame last minute marketing strategy. Let’s just hope nobody validates this cheap marketing ploy by copying it, ‘cause I’d like to see this sort of stuff go away. –shows a cover of the single for Beautiful by Mariah Carey- Damn.

But, speaking of last minute marketing strategies, who’s the new arbitrary blonde white chick he’s using this time?

I’m alive, I’m alive-

Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. She’s not that blonde. Oh, by the way, that hologram thing happens for Justin Bieber the whole video. There’s absolutely no point in the video where Will.i.am and Bieber are even in the same room. In fact, by how disconnected his chorus is from the rest of the song, I’m not sure these two even had a conversation together! Much less actually work together at some point! Maybe I wouldn’t have a problem if what he was saying actually meant something, but from his awkward “I’m not sure if I should commit to doing the robot moves”, I don’t think he knows what he’s singing about, either!

And oooooooooooooooooooh…
I can fly, I can fly, I can fly

I’m not sure if he’s failing at dancing, or succeeding at awkwardly fidgeting. –he tries to emulate that during the chorus- You can tell that he’s trying to figure it out as he goes along, but there’s nothing in the lyrics that gives him a strong enough context as to what he should actually be doing, but who cares?! The guest chorus is guaranteed listeners, despite the lack of chemistry or any sense of collaborative effort.

And now I present to you, Will.i.am doing what he does best: wasting your time.

…..
I got that power
…..

Yeah, I don’t know about you, but nothing about this song screams “powerful” to me. In fact, a better title might be “weaksauce”, because nothing about it sounds epic or commanding. Weird thing is, I’ve heard some critics compare it to the song “Power” by Kanye West. I understand how some people don’t like him, but don’t insult Kanye’s producing abilities. Power had a sense of command, and a sense of strength to it. This song does nothing to stand out among the other bland beatwork Will.i.am has done. It’s the same buzzing synthesizer just opposed against an 808 drum and a crummy four note bassline.
And as for his rhymes? Well, I can’t really talk about them. Mostly because, well, when I criticize lyrics in other songs, they usually have something of interest to talk about. But whereas some guys at least try to be clever at some points, he just kinda checkpoints the typical topics and calls it a day. There’s the bragging about money…

Used to have a piggy bank
But now, I got that bigger bank

The haters…

They hatin’ on me ‘cause i’m doing what they can’t

Repeating unimportant words purely to fill up space…

Y-Y-Y-Yes, y’all.

Lyrics that don’t rhyme…

Work to be the best, y’all
Work good under pressure

Rhyming words with themselves…

I’ma take it higher,
And high, high, higher

And my personal favorite: completely giving up on the last four bars of the second verse and just repeating the last four bars of the first verse.

I take it higher,
And high, high, higher
Look, dude, I know you care more about getting people to dance and more importantly taking their money than you actually care about rapping, so if you don’t like writing rhymes…you don’t have to. …You do know that, right?

Plenty of EDM songs have little to no words in them. And not worrying about trying to brag would save you a lot of time. And embarrassment. I know that no one values you as an MC. And from your lyrics, neither do you. But where at least other rappers sound interested in their repetitive topics for their verses, it’s obvious that the emphasis of your songs are strictly on your choruses and watered down techno beats. Dude…just do that!

Verses aren’t really required in order to make a song. So stop wasting my time as a critic, and your time as someone who’s trying to take his endorsement money to the bank as quickly as possible! But on the off chance that you really are trying and that these are really the best lyrics you could come up with? (laughing) Damn, dude, you need some help!

And I know this one’s short, but…I’m sorry, I refuse to mence any more words with this dribble. Gets a 0 out of 5 stars no question. And… -the cover art is shown again- I’m sorry, but that hashtag thing still kinda gets to me. In addition to the other crap he’s been doing. And you know what? If Will.i.am was even slightly consistent with good music, I wouldn’t mind his obvious marketing strategies. I’d understand if he was spreading a good message and making good music, but in order to get it out to as many people as possible, he has to play the music industry’s game…but he’s not that guy. After all the featured artists that signal that he can’t carry a track by himself, and after all the music video ads and song title gimmicks, the very core of Will.i.am is a weak producer and a terrible rapper, who has nothing exciting to offer beyond pointing to more ads, guest choruses and gimmicks. It’s like going to a theme park and waiting through all the ads and souvenir shops, only to find out that all the roller coasters are nothing more than slow rides past ads and souvenir shops. And after such a soulless three minutes of radio white noise filler, I’d rather not have to review one of his excuses for songs ever again.

I’m the Rap Critic. You don’t have to like my opinion, but at least try to validate your title as an artist.

(post-outro scene)
-A terror chord is held as he holds a scream for a few seconds- Oh my god!
Masta Artisan Presents: “Oh My God” Music Video Coming Soon!