[Raven] (spoken):
Good morning, children. What shall we do today?

[Children] (over each other):
A story! A story, Uncle Raven!

[Raven]:
A story? Oh alright, let me just pour myself a dash of scotch here and we’ll get started

[pours out the entire fucking bottle]

There we go! Today’s story shall be a tale from the first playhouse, Never Never Land

[Herr Doktor]:
Now, Raven...

[Raven]:
Yes, Doctor?

[Herr Doktor]:
You must tell me about when you were a wee little Raveling!

[Raven]:
Oh, alright. [clears throat] Once upon a time, your kindly Uncle Raven had another name and just a squiggle of mental health issues. I worked for a large corporation in a far-off city and one day, I did what most people with day jobs only dream of doing - I jumped off a cliff!
But your dear Uncle Raven was flowering, so I actually leapt into the metaverse. I didn’t really know or understand it. I figured either I had accidentally ingested a really heroic dose or gone completely around the bend
(Sung)
I remember, I remember, I remember I leapt off and then so
I flew to see how far I could go, and I wound up at a strange theater you know
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?

[Spoken]
It was at this strange theater where I would spend the next period of my life, and it is this period I shall tell you about today. It was called the first playhouse

(Sung)
A theater in the metaverse inhabited by few
Other post-a-humans, some of whom I thought you knew
It’s the August Sky Playhouse, whoo! Chika-chika-chika, it’s the August Sky Playhouse, uh-uh-uh, do the butt, do the butt, do the butt

In a world that’s not so far away
Our cast was there to save the day
Jill, Michael, Asha, and a stuffy old bird named Lloyd

Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’, happened so fast
I met a boy, crazy for me
I met a Lloyd, cute as can be

[Spoken]
Outlaw’s Theatre in the August Sky Playhouse performed shows for dreamers, astral projectors, and random audiences in random narratives. You think you bought tickets for Anything Goes and then boom, an Outlaw Theatre show begins and things get freaky

(Sung)
Welcome, bien avenue, welcome
To cabaret, to cabaret, to cabaret
Everyday for a week, we would try to be an ice cream
Be an ice cream, on a cone
[Spoken]
Our shows were an odd smorgasbord, some more linear than others, and though we had a variety of objectives, we were shooting in the dark. Some shows tried to conjure a linkage
Between narrative realities, or explore a set of conditions that might flower posties, pocket dimensions, bubbles that can visit ultra-dimensions, but Lloyd in particular had an obsession with breaking into the outer pockets attached to a place called Elysium

Ah, yes, Elysium. Talk about a nightmare of an immigration policy, amirite? Elysium was a no-go zone, there are surviving grimoires from previous posthumans, possibly the legendary William, which warn very sternly against attempting to sneak into Elysium, and allude to grave consequences. But Lloyd made clear he did not wish to touch Elysium, he wanted to work out a trapdoor, if you will, to a side pocket

[Floozies] (Sung):
Knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door
Knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door

[Raven] (Sung):
When I joined the troupe they were in real desperate need of a
A flamboyant showman, a proper MC
Lloyd had tried the role but he was way too rigid to play it, (‘cause my boy’s a gentleman.)
Our show was channelin’ wild and chaotic forces each night
Our prowess grew the more that we embodied certain primal arch’types
The other roles could change, all the other parts, they could shift
But the MC was the lynchpin and so I, I committed to it

[Raven] (Spoken):
And I began to fundamentally change

[Floozies] (Sung):
Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes

[Raven] (Spoken):
David faded a little, night by night, as we performed
[Floozies] (Sung):
Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes

[Raven] (Spoken):
But our successes grew and grew more and more. Before Nicholas Schilling started his posthuman research project, knowledge about posties was almost non-existent. Some few who knew assumed we controlled reality in a way that was ludicrously more potent than the truth. These are powerful forces, you don’t control them, you… finesse and coax them. But you must also obey them. You master them and they master you

[Raven] (Sung):
Well I’ve been to church and the metaverse, uh-huh. Anywhere I could run
We dwelt in lands few can understand like children stare at the sun
I played the trickster shaman, and the role it changed me, till it was all i could be
Yes, I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me

[Raven] (Spoken):
We lived out where things we couldn’t truly control were their most potent. I was channeling powerful forces, and they consumed and transformed me. The line between David and Raven faded and disappeared, but our experiments became far more successful, and Lloyd was grateful to me for being willing to transform so conclusively in the pursuit of his quest, and our affair began in earnest

[Raven] (Sung):
I’m looking for that special boy
Are you strong enough to be my Lloyd?
Suddenly, Raven is standing beside you
Suddenly, Raven shows you I can, yes, I can

“There must be some kind of way out of here,”
Said the joker to the thief
“There is too much confusion
I can’t get no relief.”

Why’d we have to go and make our shows so complicated?
The more that I performed, the more the arch’type I became-ed
The others, they switched roles, but I stayed and became
What I played every day till I changed and I turned into
The jester that you see before you and before long...

THE SHOW MUST GO ON
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Oh, David I am losing
We know not what we’re doing
But my smile goes ever on

[Raven] (Spoken):
But despite our newfound prowess, we were still stumbling in the dark with our trapdoor attempts. Until one show: Never Never Land

A little boy and girl hold hands and look in the Christmas display window of a downtown department store. It is winter and the snow falls upon them as they stand in their big fluffy coats, staring in awe at the moving window. The smell of chestnuts roasting in the street corner and small bells being rung fill the air. The boy and girl are small, but they love each other. They spend their childhood together, but when the boy turns 13, a car hits him while he’s riding his bike, driven by a ragged old man, and the boy dies

Next Life: The boy and girl are 7 and playing in a tree house. They are best friends and play together every single day. They dream they will get married and have crazy adventures. They love each other, but when the boy turns 13, he is killed while swimming, the accident involves a ragged old man

Next Life: A boy and girl are 12, hanging out in an attic; they love each other. The boy, though, has severe anxiety problems. He is convinced he will die at 13. He is right, of course. The girl has the same belief that she always dies at 13. She it right, too
They read an old story about a corn king and the picture in the book looks like a very familiar ragged old man. They run out into a field at midnight. They scream and scream and scream for him, and sure enough the corn king appears. They ask him why he does this and he tells them that he is living up to his part of the bargain. It is then that they remember

It is a life many lives ago, the boy and girl are adults, but they fight. They fight violently, all the time, and one day they finally kill each other

Another Life: The boy and girl are in their 20’s. They lay in a cheap motel room in a heroin daze. They never fight on drugs. Sure enough they overdose and die

Another Life: The boy and girl are 17, they lay in a bathtub. They are going to kill themselves together. They love each other so much. They are convinced, though, that if they grow up any further, their perfect love will become tarnished and soiled. Better to stop now while all is perfect, and so they die together, as they do every life

The final thing they remember is another life where they are 11. They are in a field. They have run deep into the cornfield where they are safe and made a clearing where they can make a secret, special pact. They collect all the fallen husks and tie them together into a man. The ends of the husks are sharp and they use one to cut their hands until they bleed. They rub their palms together, mixing their blood, and with their red drenched hands, pat their palms all over the corn man, painting him. They strike a match, and light the corn man, and as he burns, they make their wish

They wanna be like Peter Pan and never grow up and remain best best friends for all time and always and always be together forever. In Never Never Land

Well, that’s our show for today. I mean, after that we learned that the constant death and reincarnation cycle, the, the, the loop made a, a trapdoor and we were able to, it’s a story for another time, really. Now, it’s time for viewer mail. Today, we have a letter from Kirby in Dungeonland (yes). And Kirby asks:

“Hey Raven, what’s up with the floozy? How many of her are there and why are there more than one of her?”

That’s a great question, Kirby. Come over here, dear. Come here

[Floozy]:
Who, me?

[Raven]:
Yes, yes, yes. We’ve a question for you. You know, one day she showed up at the carnival, and then a couple weeks later, there was two of her. Then a couple weeks after that, three, and then eventually four, and five. And now i think there’s like a dozen, maybe more. Why are there so many of you?

[Floozy]:
You really wanna know, Raven baby?

[Raven]:
I would love to know, my dear

[Floozy]:
Well, alright

(Sung):
If just one person believes in you
Deep enough and strong enough, believes in you
Hard enough and long enough, before you know it
Someone else would think: “If they can do it, I can do it”

[Floozies x2]:
Making it two whole people who believe in you
Deep enough and strong enough, believe in you
Hard enough and long enough

[Floozy]
There’s bound be some
Other person who believes in making it a threesome

[Floozies x3]:
Making it three
People you can say
Believe in me

And if three whole people

[Floozies x4]:
Why not four?
And if four whole people

[Floozies]:
Why not more?
[more Floozies]:
And more
[more Floozies]:
And more

And when all those people believe in you
Deep enough and strong enough, believe in you
Hard enough and long enough

[Floozy]
Then maybe even
You yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you

And maybe even you, will believe in you, too

[Raven] (Spoken):
Aw, that was wonderful, dear, wonderful. Everybody, great job today, great job, give yourselves a round of applause, yes, wonderful, wonderful. Alright, let’s strike it. Come on

Yeah. No, no, no, ok, we’ll save that bit for later. Keep that bit, but the rest of it
You can put back over, yes, behind the thing, yes alright
Yes of course I’m coming to the after party, hah, wouldn’t miss it for the world; you know me
But I’ll catch up with you later I have to go-there’s a thing in- the Ferris wheel is a, there’s a sound I’ve had to work on
I’m just gonna finish my scotch and I’ll go around and take care of it
Yes
It’s making a sound. It’s not a good sound. Yeah that bit. There’s a screwy-Mcthingy, I don’t know the name
Ask the Floozy, she knows, she knows everything. She knows what that thing’s called
Good good good, okay
I’m just going to stroll the grounds and drink my scotch, I’ll see you later

I don’t even remember what it was like being David anymore. No, he was a better person than I am
Good lord, what is that thing?!

[Lloyd]
Ravey? Ravey it’s me

[Raven]
Lloyd? Lloyd… *sobbing*

[Lloyd]
It’s okay Ravey. I’m sorry. I tried so hard. I tried so hard. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry

*gay wizards crying*

[Raven]
*sniff sniff* Wait. Wait. What’s she doing here?

[Han Mi]
Oh, you’re gonna love this one, Gramps