Abi:
What about Mafia Dad 2? That was a good sequel?

Kevin:
Sure, once in a blue moon they don’t screw it up, but it doesn’t change the fact that most sequels are terrible and a bad idea

Ryvyr:
Sharkgirl and Lavaboy 2 was really good

Kevin:
I thought you said it didn’t have enough violence?

Ryvyr:
All the good G movies never have enough violence

Abi:
They’re for kids

Ryvyr:
How are the kids going to learn to defend their tribe?

Abi:
You’re the cutеst little homicidal goblin i know

Ryvyr:
Love you too, babe *kissy noisеs*
Abi:
Have you thought about your catchphrase?

Ryvyr:
Shouldn’t we focus on this new murder we're driving to?

Abi:
We’ll figure it out when we get there

Kevin:
Not much further now. I not sure we both need a catchphrase, but if i had one it could be
“You didn't think about that, did you, you bulbous hemorrhoid?”

Abi:
As a catchphrase?

Ryvyr:
What’s a hemorrhoid?

Abi:
No. We are a primetime show. You cannot say hemorrhoid every episode

Kevin:
But you say the word hell?

Abi:
Spell from hell time!
Kevin:
How is hell better than hemorrhoid?

Abi:
It just is. No one wants to hear about…

Ryvyr:
So do you sing your theme song every episode?

Kevin:
Well, if we’re a movie, we do a new, more hip theme song. Like:

KEVIN:
Its Kevin and Abi back on the case
Come inspectin’ and dectectin’ til the culprit’s aced
If the bodies are a pilin and you don’t know which is which
Come a solvin’ and revolving with Kevin and the witch

Sherlock and Poirot, Father Brown and Sam Spade
All step back and raise a glass when the mouse is on the case
Cause it's find the guilty time and make that killer their bitch
Another crime unwinds with Kevin and the Witch

CHORUS:
Kevin and the witch
KEVIN:
Her name is Abi!

CHORUS:
Kevin and the witch

KEVIN:
She's not too shabby!

CHORUS:
Kevin and the witch

KEVIN:
The mouse and Abi!

CHORUS:
Kevin and the witch

KEVIN:
Like Scooby and Shaggy!

Abi:
No, nonono, no. Absolutely not. We are a murder of the week, hit prime time show. Same song every time. It’s comforting. Here, like this:

ABI:
If murderers are on your nerves and make your eyeballs twitch

KEVIN:
Don’t you moan, pick up the phone, call Kevin and the witch

ABI:
We’ll ace the toughest case without a snag or drag or hitch

KEVIN:
Kevin is the sweet one and Abi’s a raging b—

ABI:
Don’t you dare say it

KEVIN & ABI:
If someone wrong just offed your mom and you are in a glitch
We’re the friends at your wits end, Kevin and the witch

Kevin:
It is a classic

Ryvyr:
I liked the terrible rapping

Kevin:
What if I wore a backwards baseball hat and chain and spit the ver—

Abi: What if we didn’t do a sleazy, corporate, culturally appropriating cash grab

...

KEVIN:
It’s true sometimes you need a sleuth, detectives on your side

ABI: Brilliant, sly, astute, and wise, we always get our guy

KEVIN: Abi’s fun and sweet but her spells can kick your behind

ABI: Kevin has a brilliant mind, nothing escapes his eye

KEVIN & ABI:
If the cops have given up, don’t panic, don’t you twitch
The best detective team out there, the mouse and yes, the witch


Ryvyr:
We should do a blood scream at the end

Kevin:
A blood scream?

Ryvyr:
You know, like… “the mouse and yes, the witch” *scream*

Kevin:
Oddly it works better than you’d first think. So, a pair of cows were talking in a—

Abi:
Stop right there. No. Aren’t we here?

Kevin:
Oh, we’ve arrived

Ryvyr:
Oh, this place is fancy

Abi:
This is the home of Santiago Winters, CEO of VV Enterprises

Ryvyr:
Santiago Winters, CEO of VV Enterprises?

Abi:
Say it once more for the viewers at home

Ryvyr:
The rich and powerful Santiago Winters, CEO of VV Enterprises

Abi:
Did Mr. Winters actually call us?

Kevin:
No. It might have been his wife, although the voice was very computery

Abi:
So do we just knock on the front door?

Kevin:
This door is enormous

Ryvyr:
You know, i keep a mace with me for just such occasions

Kevin:
You can’t possibly mean mace as in—

*THUNK*

Abi:
That’s a big dent you put in their door