[AUNT SPIKER & SPONGE]
Ha!

[SPIKER]
Wretched families dragging heavy pockets
Ruby pendants, solid silver lockets
We can help relieve you of some pounds!

[SPONGE, spoken]
Are you callin' me fat?

[SPIKER, spoken]
I'm referring to money, pigeon-brain. 

[SPONGE, spoken]
Oh. 

[SPIKER, sung]
They're distracted
Look at me, I'm stunning

[SPONGE]
I swoop in
So masterfully cunning

[SPIKER]
We get rich!
[SPONGE]
I do like how that sounds!

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
Ha, ha, ha!

[SPIKER]
So hard to resist

[SPONGE]
And if it slips from your wrist

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
Too bad!
It's property of Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER]
And heaven forbid

[SPONGE]
You might be missin' some quid

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
Boo-hoo!
It's property of Spiker and Sponge
You can comb the ground
Check the lost and found
Did you leave it in the gift shop?
[SPIKER]
Well, isn't it queer?

[SPONGE]
How a purse can appear

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
It's property of Spiker and Sponge!

[BILLY & BOBBY BOBBY-COP, spoken]
Spiker and Sponge, we presume?

[SPONGE, spoken]
We didn't do it!

[BILLY, spoken]
As long as you keep them contributions to the policeman's fund up to date, we've got no trouble with you. 

[SPIKER, spoken]
How can we be of help to such a handsome representative of Scotland Yard?

[BOBBY, spoken]
Got an official telegram for the two of you. 

[SPONGE, spoken]
Thanks, mate!
[SPIKER, spoken]
What's it say? What's it say?

[SPONGE, spoken]
It says... we're havin' a baby?

[SPIKER, spoken]
Oh, give that to me. It seems we are the only living relatives to an orphan, child, thingy, named James... 

[SPIKER & SPONGE, spoken]
Eww. 

[SPIKER, sung]
Holy devil
Nasty pukin' babies

[SPONGE]
So revolting
Chicken pox and rabies

[SPIKER]
Grab a shovel
Start to dig my grave!

[SPONGE, spoken]
Just imagine a lice-infested boy, loafin' about the house!

[SPIKER]
Not so quickly
Yes, we could bemoan it
But there's no need to
Technically, we own it
James can be
Our helper monkey slave!
We'll put him to use!

[SPONGE]
He'll be our private masseuse

[ENSEMBLE]
He's property of Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER]
He'll wash all our clothes

[SPONGE]
And scrape the jam from our toes

[ENSEMBLE]
He's property of Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER, spoken]
Oh, there he is!

[SPONGE, spoken]
Oh, my dear lovely cousin. 

[SPIKER, spoken]
Nephew. 

[SPONGE, spoken]
Nephew! Oh, my dear little nephew, Jack. 

[JAMES, spoken]
It's James. 

[SPIKER, spoken]
Oh, Jeff, how we've missed you. 

[SPONGE, spoken]
He does come with some sort of payment, doesn't he?

[SPIKER, spoken]
A boy his age can eat his weight in food twice a day. 

[MATRON NURSE, spoken]
You'll be paid twenty-seven pounds a week to care for the boy. 

[SPIKER & SPONGE, spoken]
Huzzah!

[SPIKER & SPONGE, sung]
Don't you worry
He'll be taken care of
Not a worry-

[SPIKER]
Not that he's aware of

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
He'll forget his folks are even dead!
He'll... be... raised... 
Properly, properly, properly
By Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER, spoken]
Bye now!

[SPONGE, spoken]
Welcome to the family, moron. 

[SPIKER, sung]
Wipe off that grin

[SPONGE]
And let the torture begin!

[COMPANY]
You're property of Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER]
Before you unpack

[SPONGE]
You'll shave the hair off my back

[COMPANY]
You're property of Spiker and Sponge

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
What a scrumptious joy
Now we own the boy
He'll work and never stop

[COMPANY]
So do as you're told
Or you'll be auctioned and sold
Because you're property
Of Spiker and Sponge!

[SPIKER & SPONGE]
Bah dah dah dah dah dah dah, ha ha ha!